Ford Word

Cairo-ed Away

Or
The End and The End

Or
Moving into the Valley of the Dead
(Accolades for Craig)
Naguib Mahfouz, author of The Seventh Heaven, has gone on a Fact-Finding Mission, succumbing to injuries suffered in a fall at the age of 94. Mahfouz was the first Arab writer to win the Nobel Prize in literature, taking home the 1988 award. He had the dubious distinction of being the Middle East’s greatest writer as well as another victim of Islam’s tendency to take two steps back for every step forward, having been stabbed in 1994 by an Islamic militant because a novel he had written more than 30 years prior had depicted Mohammed, a no-no in the humorless religion. He survived the attack, but suffered nerve damage that hindered his ability to write. Mahfouz also pissed off his bearded brethren by supporting Egyptian president Anwar Sadat’s Camp David peace treaty with Israel.
(With assistance from Mark)

Two of us weren’t Egypt on this one, as Craig continues his charge, leaping to 4th despite being in 33rd just two weeks ago, while Joe Wright takes 13th.

Have you buried a Ford, Lately?
(Props to Michelle Haus)

Or
The Burial of Eddie’s Father
(An epitaphany shared with Mark, more or less)

Or
Ford – Not Built to Last
(Kudos to Monty)

Or
The Big Heat Loss
(More Merits for Mark)
Glenn Ford, leading man for more than 20 years, hopes heaven does not have a barbed wire fence having died at the age of 90. He may be best remembered as Pa Kent, impotent Kansas farmer who finds Kal El in a ditch and raises him to be Superman before the ungrateful little bastard triggers a heart attack by challenging him to a race. Among his many roles, a pacifist rancher looking for a little grass for his sheep and little… loving for himself but getting thwarted by cattle baron Leslie Nielsen on both fronts in The Sheepman. He tried bringing learning to young Sidney Poitier and Jamie Farr in The Blackboard Jungle. He romanced Rita Hayworth in Gilda, although she slapped him hard enough to break a couple teeth (below). In a rare heavy role in 3:10 to Yuma, he played Ben Wade, a captured outlaw being transported to the aforementioned train for delivery to prison by a down-on-his luck farmer while his gang tries to free him. Paired with High Noon, this genre speaks to an obsession with the precision of train travel rivaling Benito Mussolini’s.



Glenn’s death affords two Poolers 10 points each, as Jessica Nowak moves into 13th and Monty’s nisnomered Dead? No, Acting brilliantly moves into 25th.

The revised leaderboard, rife with the Michigan Militia of two residents, one former resident and two frequent visitors to Wolverinetown:
1st Mike – Team One 3 hits, 60 points
2nd Me – International House of Death 3 hits, 31.66666667 points
3rd Greg – Team Quincy 3 hits, 26.85714286 points
4th Craig – Seriously, Why Don’t You Just Die? 3 hits, 19.52380956 points
5th Mark – Beltway Boneyard III: Filibustering the Grim Reaper 3 hits, 17.85714286 points

Going my Paraguay?

Or
De-sunción

Or
Braz-Ill

Or
Don’t Cry For Me, Paraguay
(Stolen from The Derby Dead Pool, where I’m now in 12th)

Or
Fetti-deadi Alfredo
(Craig, in a departure from South American geography)
Gen. Alfredo Stroessner, a quaint reminder of the days when the United States could keep dirty Third Worlders in line by supporting brutal dictators, has died of a stroke at the age of 93. So beloved by the people of Paraguay no one could bear the thought of running against him as he was re-elected 8 times, Stroessner had originally relieved citizens of the troubles of democracy in 1954 in a military coup and quickly set up a rest home for retired Nazis, including Josef Mengele, as well as sleepaway camps for political prisoners, about 3,000 of whom were accidentally misplaced. Fearing a forgetful population, during his presidency, Stroessner’s name flashed in neon over the capital city, each day’s newspaper featured color photos of him every day and he appeared regularly in a powder blue uniform bedazzled with medals. It was said that were it not for the occasional headless body floating down the Parana River, he seemed like a character straight out of Gilbert & Sullivan. But he hated Communists and voted with the U.S. in the United Nations, so all was forgiven. When one lives by the sword, one often dies by it, and he was ousted in a coup in 1989, fleeing to Brazil, where he ducked extradition on homicide charges.

Three of us expected the generalissimo to be on the stair-guay to Heaven, so my International House of Death moves into second, Craig moves into 14th and Mike’s Team Two pulls into 25th.

The leaderboard as we approach the three-quarter turn:
1st Mike - Team One 3 hits, 60 points
2nd Me (IHOD) 3 hits, 31.66666667 points
3rd Greg – Team Quincy 3 hits, 26.85714286 points
4th Mark – Beltway Boneyard III 3 hits, 17.85714286 points
5th Jen 3 hits, 13.52380953 points

There are a total of 27 selected soon-to-be stiffs on these 5 lists, with only 6 duplicate names, plus there are another 12 entries only 2 hits from taking first, so there is plenty of potential for jockeying for position. We have averaged 3 hits a month this year. If that pace holds, 9 more hits could make things interesting and would set a new GHI record. Guess who’s tired of editing a glaucoma slideset?

Bruno gets "Bacio di tutti baci"
(Props to The Freshman fan, Craig)

Or
Kirb Your Enthusiasm
First the wagon wheel table, now this. Bruno Kirby has joined Curly in pursuit of whatever that index finger pointed skyward was supposed to mean, dying of leukemia at the age of 57. Best remembered as Billy Crystal’s best friend in When Harry Met Sally and City Slickers, Kirby turned in a hysterically unfunny performance as Robin Williams’ sweat-off-a-dead-man’s-balls-sucking boss in Good Morning, Vietnam. In a unique twist, Kirby played the young Clemenza opposite Robert DeNiro’s Vito Corleone, then played Marlon Brando’s luggage-stealing nephew in The Freshman. He also turned in a memorably scary turn as Victor Helms, Sr., a paroled felon out for revenge against Frank Pembleton, the man who put him in jail, on Homicide: Life on the Street. He directed the H: LOTS episode in which Det. Munch plays the telltale heart angle on a low-level drug dealer turned poet who sealed a friend behind a wall years earlier. And in a bit of trivia that could resurface this December, he had a bit role in the pilot episode of M*A*S*H.

Delayed Deceased

The Passing of (the fake) Papa Bear
(Props to Craig)

Or
Dead Like a Corpse
Jack Warden, who twice earned Oscar nominations for not throttling Warren Beatty, has died at the age of 85. Warden co-starred with Beatty as a businessman in Shampoo and as a football trainer in Heaven Can Wait. He won an Emmy for playing Chicago Bears coach George Halas in Brian’s Song, then was nominated twice more as leading actor for his role as PI Harrison Fox, Sr. in Crazy Like a Fox. Other roles included the lone voice of reason in Twelve Angry Men, when he played Juror No. 7, who was more interested in going to a baseball game than adjudicating, Kermit and Fozzie’s editor in The Great Muppet Caper, a parody of his role as Harry Rosenfeld, metro editor in All the President’s Men, twin rival automotive resale entrepreneurs in Used Cars, and owner of the Washington Sentinels in The Replacements. Like every other actor of his generation, he paid his dues on The Twilight Zone, appearing in The Lonely as James Corry, a felon committed to solitary confinement on an asteroid who falls in love with a robot and as Mouth McGarry who discovered a robot pitcher that would have been unbeatable if only he fielded his position better than Reuven Malter in The Chosen.

Witout
The man who launched a thousand heart attacks has died of his own at the age of 90. Harry M. Olivieri, younger brother of Pat, the South Philly King of Steaks, and co-creator of the original cheesesteak, has rolled over. In 1930, the brothers ran a hot dog stand in Philadelphia when they decided to try grilling a hunk of steak with onions on their cart for lunch. A passing cabbie bought that first steak sandwich for a dime and by the 1940s, Pat’s was open 24 hours a day with lines around the block comprised of everyone from celebrities to Naval Yard workers. Cheez Whiz was added 22 years later in one of the seminal gastronomic feats of the century. The cheesesteak became the signature of Philadelphia and ordering took on its own lingo – Whiz wit was the traditional Cheese Whiz cheesesteak with grilled onions. Among a litany of flubs that cost him the White House, John Kerry helped seal his fate by first attempting to order a cheesesteak with Swiss, then eating as daintily as though he were scooping caviar.

Mako like a tree and leave
Mako, who was the dramatic counterpart to the comedic Pat Morita in terms of go-to Asian-American actors, has died of esophageal cancer at the age of 72. Mako was determined to expand Asian roles beyond stereotypes and caricatures, and in his biggest break, The Sand Pebbles, Mako created a sympathetic character in his pidgin-English-speaking Chinese “coolie” Po-han, eternally deferential to his white masters. The role earned him an Academy Award nomination. Mako also earned a Tony nod for multiple roles in the Stephen Sondheim musical Pacific Overtures. To Hollywood, all Asians look alike, and the Japanese actor was called on to play Chinese, Korean, a Singaporean in Seven Days in Tibet and whatever Akira the Wizard was supposed to be in Conan the Barbarian. Mako was a frequent guest star on M*A*S*H, including appearances as a gruff doctor trying to exchange patients before Frank Burns pulls out a pistol from a Cracker Jack box and as a gruff intelligence officer whose attempts to arrest a prisoner were thwarted by Charles Winchester’s chess distractions. Other roles included the voice of Aku on Samurai Jack, the Vietcong cook who helped the A-Team escape a POW camp and a rival economist who shared the Nobel Prize with President Bartlett on The West Wing. When Mako became sick, he was preparing to appear in a new comedic play for a San Francisco theater troup, but out of respect the play was canceled rather than recasting the part.

The Cornthwaite is Over
Robert Cornthwaite, who created the definitive mad scientist role, has died at the age of 89. As Dr. Carrington in 1951’s The Thing, Cornthwaite was the quintessential doctor who missed the big picture, that being a 7-foot murderous alien wiping out an arctic installation because he thought E.T.’s big brain could be used to solve Soduko easier. Cornthwaite took on aliens again in the original War of the Worlds and Satan in "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?" Cornthwaite reprised his best known role in the 2005 parody of B-films The Naked Monster. Other roles included Alan A. Dale, a cheap knock-off of the Archer when Van Johnson got too important to do Batman and resident genius Professor Windish on Get Smart.

Took a Dive
Carl Brashear, the sharecroppers’ son who overcame racism, the loss of a leg and having Cuba Gooding, Jr. portray him on screen, has died of heart failure at 75. Brashear’s career, which saw him become the first black master diver in U.S. Navy history was immortalized in the 2000 film Men of Honor, with Gooding practically screaming “Show me the medals.” After being turned down by the Army, the Navy accepted him as a steward, but he wrote more than 100 letters requesting a slot in diver’s school before he was allowed to enroll, and then endured racial epithets left on his bunk. In 1966 aboard a salvage ship, Brashear helped retrieve a hydrogen bomb from a crashed plane. Back aboard, a line broke sending a pipe hurtling toward Brashear and his men. He pushed them to safety, but his leg was crushed, and he lost so much blood he was declared dead. Opting for amputating, rather than recuperating his damaged leg, Brashear signed his own transfer back to diving school. There, he dove with his artificial leg and sent pictures of the dive back to Navy officials, who had been attempting to discharge him. After climbing ladders with barbells strapped to his back and walking unaided with nearly 300 pounds of equipment to simulate a diver’s load, he was reinstated, the first amputee to return to diving duty. When he retired, he was a master chief boatswain’s mate.

This is What Happens When Your Moon Moves into Cancer
(Props to Shawn)
In a cosmic convergence he apparently didn’t see coming, radio astrologer Darrell Martinie, aka the Cosmic Muffin, has died at the age of 63. Martinie would soft-pedal unpleasant predictions, saying that a client would enter a stressful period in a relationship when the crystal ball and chicken bones clearly indicated a divorce. Former Massachusetts governor William Weld had a use for someone with such a fluid appreciation of the truth and named him the state’s official astrologer in 1993. Even before embarking on his astrology career, Martinie had become familiar with the dark arts, having entered a Benedictine monastery in the 1970s.

You can’t have a little because you’ve had enough
Lennie Weinrib has left Living Island at the age of 71. The actor who wrote every episode of H.R. Pufnstuf and provided the distinctive voice of the mayor, the love child of Mayor McCheese and an iguana. Weinrib piled on the pop culture offenses by providing the voice of Scooby-Doo’s insufferable nephew Scrappy-Doo. Weinrib was prolific in his voice over work on cartoons and for commercials in the 1960s and 1970s. Among the creations brought to voice: Secret Squirrel, Inch High (Private Eye), Moonrock, as well as various roles on The Kwicky Koala Show, Dynomutt, Dog Wonder and Jabberjaw.

Ideadarod

Or
All Dog(sledder)s go to Heaven?
(Kudos to Craig)

Or
Soon to be Mush, Mush!
(Accolades for Craig)
Susan Butcher, 4-time winner of the worst idea for a sport ever, has died of leukemia at the age of 51. In 1986, Butcher became the second female winner of the Iditarod, the 1,100-mile dog sled race from Anchorage to Nome, and dominated the race in the late 1980s, repeating in 1987 and 1988, then reclaiming her title in 1990. She continued to place in the top four through 1993. Prior to wasting her time racing across Alaska without diphtheria antidote, she was the first to top Mount McKinley with a sled dog team.

In-a-Coffin-N-Out-of-Time
Esther Snyder, who co-founded In-N-Out Burger and popularized the drive-through window with her late husband Harry in Baldwin Park in 1948 for the fast-food industry, has died at 86. Snyder had succeeded her husband and two sons as head of the Western fast food chain. While contemporary Southern California burger joints McDonald's, Carl's Jr. and Jack in the Box grew into regional or national chains, the Snyders kept In-N-Out small, with a focus on quality – they do not freeze burgers and use a single meat packing plant - limiting them to 202 stores in three states: California, Nevada and Arizona. Snyder picked the Biblical verses that adorn the chain’s drink cups.

Doug Out
Mike Douglas, the first giant of daytime talk, has died at the age of 81, leaving his set to Cosmo Kramer. Originating from Cleveland, then Philadelphia and finally LA, Douglas’ show was a cultural touchstone, with a peak audience of 7 million viewers a day in the late 1960s. Bill Cosby credited Douglas with discovering him. Ralph Nader started scaring people about their cars on the show and John Lennon and Yoko Ono co-hosted for a week, taking time out of their busy bed-in schedule. Others who got to bat against Douglas’ soft balls included Richard Nixon, The Rolling Stones, Liberace, Malcolm X, Gene Simmons, Robert Frost, Richard Pryor and Truman Capote. The show won the first daytime Emmy for best talk show and by the time he left the air in 1981, he was making $2 million a year, a figure in television topped only by Johnny Carson.

Radioinactive Man
James A. Van Allen, identifier of the earth’s accessories, has died at 91. Van Allen played Cosmic Mr. Blackwell, criticizing the planet for overdoing it with two rings of charged particles trapped by the earth’s magnetic field at 400 to 4,000 miles and 9,000 to 15,000 miles over the surface. “How can you trust a planet that can’t trust it’s own pants?” he asked. The deranged genius also advocated a mission that dropped atomic bombs in the South Atlantic to determine if the earth’s magnetic field also trapped radioactive particles while also attempting to awaken long dormant giant rubber monsters. Van Allen also led scientists who called for a manned moon landing by 1968, but ultimately settled for a Hollywood sound stage.