Waning Moon

Or

Looner Eclipse

(Props to Don)

Or

Caught Dead Between the Moon and New York City

(Kudos to Phil)

Or

Moon River Styx

(Additional accolades for Phil)
Mass marrying Rev. Sun Myung Moon, who showed that North Korea’s sole export is narcissists with a messiah complex and that whack job religions are not the sole provenance of Tom Cruise, has died of pneumonia at the age of 92. Moon founded his Unification Church in South Korea in 1954, but really hit its stride with thousands of fresh faced simpletons annoying airport passersby with offers of flowers in the late 1970s, taking advantage of increased American interest in bogus religions. He also moved his primary holdings to the United States in search of a tax haven. When Joel Osteen was still stealing lunch money while other kids bowed their heads to say grace, Rev. Moon was inserting his financial talons into non-profits, then planting his stooges in key leadership positions, enabling him to launder his dubious revenue streams. His business/religious interests included construction, hospitals, schools, ski resorts, newspapers, auto parts, pharmaceuticals, beverages, a professional soccer team, commercial fishing, jewelry, fur products, construction and real estate. He took over the University of Bridgeport, where students were lured into cult training with the promise of scholarships. An ardent right-winger, he turned The Washington Times into a leading information source for conservatives who like a good story more than they like news. He financed Inchon, one of the worst films of all time, with Sir Laurence Olivier phoning it in like Michael Caine. To keep up his illusion of religion, Moon would officiate mass weddings of thousands of cultists seeking a slightly more unique experience than New York City Hall, thus fulfilling Jesus’ failed mission by restoring humankind to a state of perfection by producing sinless children, and by blessing couples who would produce them. Most of those couples had barely met, could speak only through interpreters and were bound to complete several years of church duty before consummating their sham marriages. Still, suck it Jesus – you never had yourself crowned “humanity’s savior” in front of astonished members of Congress at a Capitol Hill luncheon in 2004.