De-Cease-PN

Lots of death on the sports pages this weekend...

Closed Casket, but No Cigar

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Better Dead than Red!
A shared epitaphany between Michelle and I

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Tuesdays, Eleven o’clock at China Doll are never going to be the same
Props to Craig, who encourages us to read the Red Auerbach bio “Let Me Tell You a Story,” available in bookstores and wherever won ton soup is sold

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The Final Cigar is Lit
Accolades to Shawn
Arnold Red Auerbach, one of the worst players in the history of Georgetown University basketball, has died of a heart attack at the age of 89. With a career in professional basketball that predates the NBA, Auerbach established himself as the greatest coach and one of the greatest general managers in history and the Boston Celtics as the greatest franchise, winning 9 titles in 16 years on the bench and 7 more from the front office, with clouds of cigar smoke celebrating each win in Boston Garden. Auerbach had only 1 losing season in 20 seasons as coach, and was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame twice, as a coach and a contributor. In addition to his knowledge of the game and uncanny ability to identify and secure talent for the Celtics, Auerbach employed an unrivaled gamesmanship to give his teams an extra edge. Boston Garden was no stately pleasure dome, but the towels were a little scarcer, the rats a little larger and the heat a little more unbearable in the visitor’s locker room. One possibly apocryphal but amusing legend has it that before one playoff series, the Los Angeles Lakers refused to appear if the Celtics didn’t do something about the air conditioning. Auerbach promised a brand new air conditioner. When the Lakers arrived, the air conditioner was there as promised, still in its box. Auerbach’s legacy includes 14 Hall of Famers he drafted or traded for, including Bill Russell, John Havlicek and Larry Bird. Auerbach also had an influential role in expediting integration in the NBA, drafting the first black player, Chuck Cooper, hiring the first black coach, Bill Russell and fielding the first all-black starting 5 in NBA history in a city not known for its enlightenment.

Seven of us expected the old parquet to pick up one more dead spot. Paul’s Pushing Daisies takes over first for the third time this year. Matt takes 7th, my Killing Time team is in 8th with the second hit in a week, Tom’s Knock, Knock, Knocking is in 11th, Dawn’s Ashes to Ashes is in 17th, Mike’s Team Two is in 22nd and Shawn’s Team Two – Older is in 29th.

Stiff as an Emery Board
Kudos to Joe

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Knuckled Under
Joe Niekro, famed mound carpenter, has died of a brain aneurysm at the age of 61. In a 22-year career, he won 221 games, highlighted by 2 20-win seasons, and remains the winningest pitcher in Houston Astros history. He was the Sonny to Phil’s Michael, as the Niekros set a record for wins by brothers with 539. As a member of the Minnesota Twins, Niekro was once accused of doctoring the ball during a game. As umpires inspected his glove, Niekro pulled his hand out of his back pocket, pulling with it an emery board, earning a suspension. He made light of the situation in an appearance on Late Night with David Letterman where he came out wearing a handyman’s tool belt complete with power sanders and KY Jelly tubes.

At risk of copyright litigation, the Top Ten list from the August 6, 1987 episode of Late Night with David Letterman
Joe Niekro’s Top 10 Excuses
10. The emory board is a new super-grip popsicle stick.
9. I only used it to apply Vaseline to the ball.
8. I needed it to scrape dried wads of chewing tobacco off the bullpen telephone.
7. Delicate double-knit uniforms easily snagged on rough nails.
6. I was using it to make a statue of commissioner Ueberroth.
5. I used it as a bookmark for my dugout copy of Shirley MacLaine's autobiography.
4. Rules of fair play are for saps and squares.
3. I've been hypnotized by evil dogs.
2. It was all William Casey's idea.
1. I like to give pedicures to ballboys.

The Kingston Zero
Troubled former heavyweight champ Trevor Berbick was murdered by a machete-wielding assailant in a land dispute in his native Jamaica. I find it hard to believe a single square foot of this crime and pestilence infested open air drug mart is worth killing over, but this is what is being reported by CSI: Kingston. Berbick represented Jamaica in the 1976 Olympics and compiled a 50-11 record in the ring. He held the WBC belt for 8 months in 1986, defeating Pinklon Thomas in March, then turning it over to Mike Tyson in a second round knockout in November. He was the last man to fight Muhammad Ali, clubbing the diminished former champ into an overdue retirement. As with most boxers, life out of the ring was less successful, with convictions for rape, second-degree theft and misdemeanor assault.