Bentsen and Hedges

I’ve known living people. You sir, are not a living person.
(A shared epitaphany, more or less, with Shawn, Craig and Greg)

I Knew Jack Kennedy. And now I’ll get to see him again.
(Kudos to observer Tammy Dotts)

Bentsen Hearsed
(Props to Joe Wright)
Lloyd Bentsen, VP slam artist and Dukakis After Dark fixture, has died at the age of 185 – so old, the guy who wrote his obituary for the New York Times died in January. In his long career, the moderate pro-business Democrat was a disciple to House legend Sam Rayburn, having entered the House in 1948 as a 27-year-old former colonel who was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross in WWII, then after furthering the family fortune, joined the Senate in 1970 by defeating George Bush the first in 1970. So it was a bit of a rematch when Bush and Dan Quayle locked horns with Mike Dukakis and Bentsen in 1988, when Bentsen uttered the first memorable words in the history of vice presidential debates. Or the history of Omaha. When asked about his youth, Quayle remarked that John F. Kennedy had little experience before his 1960 presidential campaign. Bentsen, ignoring President Reagan’s approach of not taking advantage of his opponent’s youth and inexperience, Bentsen lined him up against the wall and took the shot: “Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.” Quayle’s status as permanent punchline was secured, but there was that little matter of a tank ride in a helmet and a rapist on furlough and an unfortunate dynasty was founded. With the score 1-to-1, Bentsen scored the tie-breaker by brokering the 1990 budget deal that forced Bush to back-pedal on his “Read my lips, no new taxes” campaign pledge. With that battering ram, Bill Clinton took the presidency in 1992 and Bentsen scored the kickback of a gig as Treasury Secretary.

After three years of waiting, Mike finally got Bentsen, and his Team One moves into a tie at 14th with the solo hit.

In tribute to a great American Patriot, I am compiling a collection of samples of Lloyd Bentsen’s signature. If anyone wants to contribute, this signature is most easily found on U.S. currency during his 1993-94 term as Treasury Secretary, which can be forwarded to me.

Elsewhere…

Goodbye, Kids

Or
No More Clowning Around
(Balloon animals for Monty)
Lew Anderson, the last man to don the skullcap of Clarabell the Clown on the Howdy Doody Show, will never again celebrate with a little song, a little dance…a little seltzer down his pants, succumbing to prostate cancer at the age of 84. Bob Keeshan, better known without makeup as Captain Kangaroo, originated the role of the mute bike horn-honking, seltzer-spraying clown in 1948, but Anderson was the best according to Buffalo Bob and was the last, breaking the clown vow of silence in the show’s final episode, closing out the final episode with a tear in his eye and uttering, “Goodbye Kids.”

They’re going to need another cranky character actor
Paul Gleason, best remembered as the Barry Manilow wardrobe-borrowing, bull horn giving principal of Shermer High School in The Breakfast Club, has died at the age of 67 of mesothelioma, hopefully not before calling the law offices of James Sokolove. Gleason also stole the orange juice concentrate futures report before settling to an island retreat as a gorilla’s bitch in Trading Places. In addition, Gleason was inept LAPD Deputy Chief Dwayne T. Robinson in Die Hard. Gleason reprised his two best-known roles in parodies – Dwayne T. Robinson from Die Hard returned in Loaded Weapon and Richard Vernon from Breakfast Club returned in Not Another Teen Movie.

Tim Tyler’s Out of Luck
Frankie Thomas, an early child star best known as Tom Corbett, Space Cadet, has died at the age of 85. Thomas also starred in “Tim Tyler’s Luck,” a 1937 adventure serial and was Nancy Drew’s droll boyfriend, Ted Nickerson, in four movies. Thomas beat out Jack Lemmon for the lead of the 1950 TV series about the Space Academy cadet in training to become a member of the elite Solar Guard, 400 years in the future. Thomas gave up acting after that show, but at his request was buried in his “Tom Corbett, Space Cadet” costume.

Marco for Death
Paul Marco, part of Edward D. Wood Jrs.’ Mercury Theater-esque troop of players, has died at the age of 80, or so. Marco’s signature role was Kelton the Cop, which he originated in Bride of the Monster, a role specifically written into the movie for him by the auteur after being discovered by TV psychic Criswell. Kelton returned for Plan 9 from Outer Space and Night of the Ghouls (which sat on the shelf for 24 years because no one could pay the lab bill), and each of the three are candidates for the title worst film ever. In the 1990s, when Tim Burton’s biopic brought Wood back into the limelight, Marco founded his own fan club to cash in.

Fowl Play
(Monty on the animal obit beat)

Or
Boo Boo, the Ranger’s Not Going to Like This
Boo Boo, the clinically depressed exotic chicken saved from drowning by mouth to beak resuscitation 3 months ago has died. The rescue made national headlines and The Tonight Show as the bird-loving owner pulled the chicken out of a pool and slapped a wet one. The chicken then laid three eggs, enabling the owner to determine whether Boo Boo was male or female.

They'll have plenty of loofa in the next life
(Accolades for Craig)

Or
Ironhead Succumbs to Brain Thingy
(Honorifics for Joe)

Or
Zestfully Dead
Craig “Ironhead” Heyward, NFL running back and shower soap shill, has succumbed to a recurring brain tumor at the age of 39. In an 11-year, 8-team career, Heyward rushed for more than 4,300 yards and 30 TDs, most famously with the New Orleans Saints, following an All-American career at Pitt.