Passing. Passing.

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Got the Tigers by the Toe Tag

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Ilitch Scratched

Mike Illtch, owner of the worst wig in professional sports, has died at the age of 87. A minor league second baseman with the Hot Springs Bathers, Jamestown Falcons, Tampa Smokers, Miami Beach Flamingos, Charlotte Hornets, Norfolk Tars and St. Petersburg Saints, Ilitch was forced to retire because of a knee injury, so he and his wife started making pizza. A lot of pizza. As of 2007, annual revenue for Little Caesar’s Pizza was $1.8 billion. As of December 2016, Ilitch was the 86th richest man in the United States with a net worth of $6.1 billion. He chose to take that dough and invest in professional sports, first with the Detroit Caesars of the American Professional Slow Pitch Softball League, winning two World Series titles before the league folded, then the Detroit Red Wings, buying the team in 1982 for $8 million. The Red Wings had missed the playoffs in 13 out of 15 seasons before Ilitch bought the team, but he threw enough money at it to make the playoffs in 30 of the last 32 years, including the last 25, the longest active streak in North American sports and 3rd longest of all time, and racking up 4 Stanley Cups – the team’s first since 1955. He was an early owner in the Arena Football League, with the Detroit Drive, who made the ArenaBowl in each of the team’s 6 seasons, winning 4, before being sold and moving to Worcester, Massachusetts to free up time and attention for Ilitch’s next big purchase. He bought the Detroit Tigers in 1992, and he inspired the team to 12 losing seasons over the next 13 years, including an AL-record 119 losses in 2003, though over the last 11 years they won 4 AL Central titles and 2 pennants. He also bought up a lot of depressed real estate in Detroit when everyone in the city left, keeping it depressed while waiting for the investment to pay off. He was lauded for his philanthropic efforts, and after his death, it was revealed that after Rosa Parks was beaten and robbed in her own apartment, Ilitch quietly had her moved into a nicer neighborhood and paid her rent for the last 11 years of her life, ensuring that the civil rights icon would live long enough to win me the 2005 GHI.

Slicing his way to the dogpile at 12th is Mike’s Trash List. 

This is the 2nd fastest year to 15 hits (2007).

Dead Wing

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Gordie Not

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And Howe

(Kudos to Monty)

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Brass Bone-anza 

(Props to Don)

Gordie Howe, who was a better hockey player at 52 than 99% of the players who’ve ever laced them up in the NHL, has died at the age of 88, delaying his next comeback. The only athlete whose nickname unironically encompassed an entire sport (though as Don observed, now that his Wings are broken, he may be better known as Mister Mister Hockey), Howe was the best all-around player in NHL history. He set records for seasons, goals, points, assists and for records set en route to 20 straight Top 5 scoring seasons, 4 Stanley Cup championships, 23 All-Star Games, and 6 Hart trophies as league MVP. After a brief retirement and his induction into the Hockey Hall of Fame, he spent 6 seasons with his sons Marty and Mark with the World Hockey Association’s Houston Aeros and New England Whalers, winning 2 Avco Cups and notching 2 100-point seasons in his mid-40s. After the WHA-NHL merger, he played one more season with the Whalers, notching 41 more points at the age of 52, then skated 1 short shift with the IHL’s Detroit Vipers at the age of 69 in 1997 to record his 6th decade of professional hockey. When not lighting the lamp, Howe was probably hitting someone, as unlike other stars, he had no issues with the physical aspects of the game, earning 1685 minutes in box, where he presumably did not feel shame. Howe was further immortalized as the namesake of the Gordie Howe hat trick – a goal, an assist and a fight in the same game – despite only doing it twice himself as he didn’t find a lot of takers for fisticuff action. Despite his status as one of the game’s all-time greats, the Red Wings took advantage of his trusting nature and paid him relative peanuts – after a career high 103-point season, he found he was the third-highest paid player on the team. When this became known, his linemate Ted Lindsay started the campaign that eventually led to the NHL Players’ Association. 

Lach Less

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Punch Out

Elmer Lach, the José Carreras of the Punch Line, has died of a stroke at the age of 97. With Toe Blake on one side and Henri Richard on the other, Lach was the feisty anchor on one of the greatest lines in NHL history – so named for its offensive firepower – all of whom are in the Hall of Fame. In 14 years, all with the Canadiens, Lach somehow managed to only win 3 Stanley Cups, one of the least productive periods in team history. Lach’s OT goal in Game 5 gave the Canadiens the 1953 Stanley Cup, though his celebration with Richard left him with a broken nose. One of the more enjoyable of his many injuries. It has been said that a pictorial history of the NHL of the 1940s would have to include Lach’s X-rays – his sophomore season was ended when he shattered an elbow, broke a wrist and dislocated a shoulder, his nose was broken 7 times, he suffered a fractured skull, and his jaw was broken 3 times, the last time so badly it was held together for the rest of his life with a platinum wire. Of course being a hockey player, he usually skated through the pain – he didn’t mention one of the jaw fractures to his coach so he wasn’t pulled from the game, on another occasion, he stayed in a game despite two veins in his foot being severed by a skate blade until a teammate noticed the blood. Despite weighing just 165 pounds, he gave as good as he got, and was known for exploding under a player’s arms as he skated with the puck, hoisting him off his skates. Lach was a 5-time All-Star, won the league’s MVP in 1945, and earned 2 scoring titles, retiring as the league’s all-time leading scorer. He served as a mentor for Jean Béliveau, who replaced Lach in the lineup and would emerge as one of the greatest players in league history. 

Ghostley or Ghostlier

Ex-merelda

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Decomposing Woman

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It seems that Alice Ghostley is even more so these days
(Props to Monty)
Alice Ghostley, the professional ditz who was the poor man’s Dody Goodman, has died at the age of 81ish. Ghostley is best remembered as having replaced Marion Lorne’s Aunt Clara on Bewitched when the actress died unexpectedly. Ghostley played recurring character Esmerelda, the Samantha and Durwood Stephens’ maid and baby-sitter, a shy neurotic witch whose spells never worked and who cause havoc when she sneezed – think Willow as a domestic. Ghostley was used to replacing beloved characters, having replaced Aunt Bee on Mayberry R.F.D. Thirty years later, she proved her acting chops as the addled Bernice and had to convince viewers she was hot to trot for Meschach Taylor’s Anthony Bouvier on Designing Women. She won a Tony as best supporting actress in 1965’s “The Sign in Sidney Brustein’s Window” and took home an Oscar in 1970. She didn’t actually win one, but accepted Maggie Smith’s for “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie.” Other roles included Dorothy Zbornak’s loony mother-in-law on The Golden Girls, Mrs. Murdock, the shop teacher on Grease and reprised her occult classic status as Sabrina, the Teemage Witch’s Great-Granny. With Ghostley’s death, the only surviving cast member from Bewitched, not counting the child actors who played Sabrina and Adam, is Bernard Fox, who played Dr. Mumbai (nee Bombay).

Alice’s death gives my The Die is Cast squad a ghost of a chance as I pull into 16th.

Wheel of Time Stops Rolling
Robert Jordan, author of the Wheel of Time series of novels so popular among parent’s basement dwellers, has died at the age of 58. Jordan, the bane of Mike Burger’s pop culture trivia career, described the sweeping saga of Rand al’Thor, who battles the evil that threatens to take over his land, in 11 intricately plotted novels with characters so richly drawn that readers never needed to develop social skills to interact with other humans. When not ripping off J.R.R. Tolkein, Jordan also took a stab at picking up where others had left off with the Conan the Barbarian series, penning Conan the Invincible, Conan the Triumphant and Conan the Victorious. At the time of his death, Jordan had been working on Conan the Wicked Awesome.

A Bip in the Eternal Night

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The Rest is Silence

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A Mime is a Terrible Thing to Waste

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Silenced
(Kudos to Monty)

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Would anyone like to say a few words? Anyone?
(Accolades for Joe)

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Eternal Silence of the Spotless Mime
(Honorifics for Phil)
Marcel Marceau has decided to end his mime career doing trapped in a box, dying at the age of 84. International accolades poured in over the last few weeks, which surprised me, as I expected a more muted response. Marceau played on the naivete of his audience in his “craft.” He could never flub a line, and audiences were left to decide for themselves what the act was. Unwilling to admit they had wasted hundreds of dollars on a silent, pancaked depressing clown, they convinced themselves they had seen high art with shades of genius, while Marceau walked against the wind all the way to the bank.

Blackhawk Down

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Crumpled Dollar Bill
(Whoop whoop for Craig)
The Chicago Blackhawks might actually have a chance to succeed as tight-fisted bastard owner Bill Wirtz has died at the age of 77. The Wirtz family bought the Blackhawks in 1954 and in 1966 Bill took over as team president. The Original Six stalwart hasn’t won a Stanley Cup since, has advanced past the second round in the playoffs just 9 times in Wirtz’s 40 seasons and over the last 9 seasons, in a league where every team makes the playoffs, has missed the playoffs 8 times. Wirtz was beloved for his loyalty to his front office personnel, and with results like those, why would you ever make a change? Wirtz steered clear of bidding wars to stock his roster while watching his own stars seek their fortune elsewhere. Fans have stayed away from the United Center in droves – the team averages only about 12,000 a night in a 20,000-seat arena – and Wirtz’s refusal to televise home games has allowed many Chicagoans to forget they even have a team.

Tomorrow Never Dies, But Secretaries Certainly Do
(Another cap tip for Craig)

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Declare the Moneypennys on Her Eyes

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Spent
(Egregious esteem for Monty)

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Maxed Out
(Raves for Monty)

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A Penny Grave is a Penny Returned
(Tributes for Craig)
Lois Maxwell, best known as the randiest secretary in London, has died at the age of 80. Maxwell played Miss Moneypenny, eternally pining for James Bond in 14 films, second only to Desmond Llewellyn as Q in 18. She also played a version of herself, along with Bernard Lee, better known as the first M, in the Neil Connery vehicle Operation Double 007 (no typo, hence the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment).

Oerter’s Aorta Outta Order

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End of Discus-ion
(I’ve run out of witty congrats, but that one was Joe’s)

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Nothing Gold can Stay
(Whatever – thank Craig for that one)
Al Oerter, the greatest discus thrower ever, has died at the age of 71 from vascular disease. Oerter represented the U.S. in the Olympics in 1956, 1960, 1964 and 1968, each time overcoming injury, but given little chance to win when competing against the reigning world record holder, and each time winning the gold medal, the first to win in 4 consecutive Olympics and the only athlete to improve on his record each time. Twelve years after his last Olympics, at the age of 43 he set a personal best in the 1980 Olympic trials and was named an alternate on the team, but with Jimmy Carter deciding that if he couldn’t escape the malaise no one could, he watched with the other forced boycotters from home. At 47, he reached the finals of the 1984 Olympic trials before a torn calf muscle forced his withdrawal.

For Rest: Gump

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No Worsley for the Wear

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He’s Gump, He’s Gump, He Might be Dead
Since he’s second lead in the latest dead pool update, you can pretty much be assured that he is. Gump Worsley, the losingest goaltender in NHL history, has died at the age of 77. But to paraphrase Roger Craig, it takes a pretty good goaltender to lose 353 games. Worsley accumulated a lot of those losses playing behind some awful Ranger teams, but won 4 Stanley Cups and two Vezina trophies after a trade to Montreal. Worsley also earned some notoriety as one of the last goaltenders to wear a mask, despite having been hit by objects throwing everything from a dead rabbit to a folding chair fans and having been knocked unconscious by a puck to the face. Although he likened goaltending to being one step above javelin catcher, he resisted the mask until the final 6 games of his career in 1974 at the age of 45.

Greer and Present Danger

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What shoulder and what art could twist the sinews of thy heart?
(A Don duo)
Tige Andrews, the captain who corralled those wacky hip kids on The Mod Squad, has died at the age of 87. He was “hey, it’s that guy” in cameos on dozens of TV shows from the 1960s through the 1980s, and was the lamest lycanthrope ever as Bert/The Werewolf in The Werewolf of Woodstock.