Drop Dead Darling

(Props to Kirsti and Don)

Or

Picture Mommy Dead

(Kudos to Kirsti)

Or

Without a Leg to Stand On

Or

Greener Acres

(Acknowledgements to Monty)

Or 

Death of a Scoundrel

Zsa Zsa Gabor, Paris Hilton's ex-step-great-grandmother, the alleged cuckquean (actual word) to Anna Nicole Smith's tryst with Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, and predecessor to both in beav-baring celebrity spuriousness, has died at the age of 99. Gabor came to her uselessness honestly as a former beauty queen – Miss Hungary 1936 – and wannabe actress, with such credits as Lovely to Look At, We’re Not Married and Queen of Outer Space. Her goulash-thick accent and ample cleavage drew many suitors, and she went into the marrying business, collecting 8 ex-husbands, including hotelier Conrad Hilton and actor George Sanders. In another era, she might have been a much sought after courtesan, with her worldly airs, well-managed elegance, undeniable charm and quick wit. In the 20th century, she was a talk show guest, sharing stories – both factual and fictional – and quips with everyone from Milton Berle to Dinah Shore to Merv Griffin to Mike Douglas to Jack Paar to Johnny Carson to Howard Stern to David Frost to Arsenio Hall to Phil Donahue to Pat Sajak to Joan Rivers to David Letterman to Conan O’Brien. Her appearances sustained her famous-for-being-famous appeal, which also ensured guest spots on Bob Hope specials, Dean Martin Roasts, game shows like Hollywood Squares, an appearance as special guest villain Minerva on Batman, and a cameo in the first episode of legendary flop Supertrain. Although she was arrested for slapping a cop in 1989, in truth, her greatest crime was opening the door to the flotsam and jetsam of modern celebrity, the poor souls desperately craving attention who, upon tasting a bit of the limelight, are as hard to remove as dog shit from suede shoes, and about as welcome. Unlike the modern pretenders, Gabor knew to keep her appearances short and amply spaced to leave the audience looking for more witticisms like: “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house,” or "I believe in large families: Every woman should have at least three husbands."