Stocks and Molecular Bonds
His Eternal Experiment
Don Herbert, TV’s Mr. Wizard, has died of bone cancer at the age of 89. Attempts to revive him failed when an alligator clip slipped off the potato battery powering the defibrillator. Despite not having an advanced science degree, on Watch Mr. Wizard from 1951 to 1965, Herbert taught America’s youth like Ted Kaczynski and Timothy McVeigh how to cause fires and blow things up using simple household items while eschewing safety goggles or gloves. Attempts to branch out into other areas in which he was untrained were less successful, and he was sued for malpractice after Watch Mr. Surgeon encouraged children to remove their own appendix if they had abdominal pain and drove Enron into bankruptcy with his Watch Mr. Accountant instructional DVDs. Twenty-five years after leaving the air, Herbert was the second guest on the first episode of Late Night with David Letterman (and first to say, “Here comes the blowtorch”), reflective of either his lasting appeal or Letterman’s belief that he was only going to last a few weeks, so he should do whatever the hell he wanted. Herbert was parodied on Dinosaurs as Ask Mr. Lizard, a Bunson Honeydew-esque scientist burning through a seemingly inexhaustible supply of Timmys, his ill-fated student assistants. Per the instructions of his will, Herbert will lie in state in a pile of leaves and grass clippings to demonstrate decomposition.
The South of France
Or
Stock it to Me
The only France most redneck Red Staters had any use for has died at the age of 74. Bill France Jr., the man who turned America’s love affair with the left turn into a billion-dollar empire as the head of NASCAR, succumbed to bone cancer. After inheriting the reins of the backwoods bootleggers bacchanalia from his father, France got national partners, increased prize money and signed a billion-dollar TV contract as the Dukes of Hazzard Extended Dance Mix inexplicably became the fastest growing “sport” in the United States.
Don Herbert, TV’s Mr. Wizard, has died of bone cancer at the age of 89. Attempts to revive him failed when an alligator clip slipped off the potato battery powering the defibrillator. Despite not having an advanced science degree, on Watch Mr. Wizard from 1951 to 1965, Herbert taught America’s youth like Ted Kaczynski and Timothy McVeigh how to cause fires and blow things up using simple household items while eschewing safety goggles or gloves. Attempts to branch out into other areas in which he was untrained were less successful, and he was sued for malpractice after Watch Mr. Surgeon encouraged children to remove their own appendix if they had abdominal pain and drove Enron into bankruptcy with his Watch Mr. Accountant instructional DVDs. Twenty-five years after leaving the air, Herbert was the second guest on the first episode of Late Night with David Letterman (and first to say, “Here comes the blowtorch”), reflective of either his lasting appeal or Letterman’s belief that he was only going to last a few weeks, so he should do whatever the hell he wanted. Herbert was parodied on Dinosaurs as Ask Mr. Lizard, a Bunson Honeydew-esque scientist burning through a seemingly inexhaustible supply of Timmys, his ill-fated student assistants. Per the instructions of his will, Herbert will lie in state in a pile of leaves and grass clippings to demonstrate decomposition.
The South of France
Or
Stock it to Me
The only France most redneck Red Staters had any use for has died at the age of 74. Bill France Jr., the man who turned America’s love affair with the left turn into a billion-dollar empire as the head of NASCAR, succumbed to bone cancer. After inheriting the reins of the backwoods bootleggers bacchanalia from his father, France got national partners, increased prize money and signed a billion-dollar TV contract as the Dukes of Hazzard Extended Dance Mix inexplicably became the fastest growing “sport” in the United States.
posted by The Grim Reaper at 11:09 PM
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