Ump, Rump, Lump, Grump

The Umpire Strokes Out

Or
The Ultimate Weight Loss Program
(Gracias por la Mark)

Or
One Stroke, He’s Out
(More Mark)
Eric Gregg, scourge of all-you-can eat buffets and honest strike zones everywhere, has died after a massive stroke at the age of 55. Gregg served as a member of the NL umpiring crew from 1978 to 1999, when he and 21 other umpires learned that the mass resignation of inept officials is not a particularly effective negotiating tactic. His most memorable moment was game 5 of the 1997 NLCS when his strike zone expanded beyond his waistline and Marlins pitcher Livan Hernandez struck out 15 Atlanta Braves. Gregg also worked the 1989 World Series, but no definitive evidence was found linking his girth to the cause of the series-stopping earthquake. Gregg goodnaturedly battled his weight – which ballooned to 400 pounds at his worst - throughout his career. Countless baseball bloopers shows featured a game in which a hamburger was left at second base where Gregg was umpiring and Gregg picked it up as though he was going to eat it. After his resignation was accepted, Gregg became a fixture at the Chickie and Pete’s restaurant at Veterans Stadium and then Citizens Bank Park as a bartender and general ombudsman.

He's Naked and He's Dead
(Props to Mark)
The love affair between Andrew Martinez, better known as UC-Berkeley's "Naked Guy”, and his penis has ended at the age of 33. Martinez, in solitary confinement in a Santa Clara jail where he was being held on three felony counts of assault and battery with a deadly weapon after opening a can of whoop-ass at his halfway house, was found under his bed with a plastic bag around his head. So maybe his walking around Berkeley naked was less a crusade for acceptance and personal freedom and more a cry for help. As a 19-year-old undergrad, Martinez made national headlines by walking around Berkeley in nothing but sandals and a backpack. Berkeley expelled him after a year, but he did leave a mark by testifying in the nude before the Berkeley City Council, leading the council to adopt a ban on nudity.

Sgt. Pepper’s Stopped Heart Club Band

Or
He’s Nothing from Nothing
(Honorifics to Mark)

Or
The Third Beatle
(A cap tip to Mark)
Billy Preston, one of the passel of 5th Beatles that includes Sir George Martin, Pete Best and Curly Joe DeRita, has died at the age of 59 of complications of kidney failure. Preston played keyboard on Abbey Road and the White Album and Dead Pool namesake George Harrison brought Preston in to perform on Let It Be to provide added soul and also to get the rapidly fracturing Beatles to play nice in the recording studio. Preston was also on the roof for their final concert and played Sgt. Pepper in the lamentably Gibbs-infused film version. In addition to playing with the likes of The Rolling Stones, the Jackson Five, Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton and Sly & The Family Stone, he also had a noteworthy solo career, with such hits as "Outta Space", "Will It Go Round In Circles", "Nothing From Nothing" and "Space Race." For those in the trivia game, take note that Preston was the musical guest on the first episode of Saturday Night Live, a tidbit that may come in handy in Chattanooga this December.

Scratched
(More kudos to Mark)

Or
Under the 8 Ball
(Additional accolades for Mark)
Steve Mizerak, professional degenerate, died of heart problems that developed after gall bladder surgery at the age of 61. Mizerak started hanging out in pool halls at the age of 4, then abandoned his classes as a schoolteacher to become a seven-time national pool champion en route to becoming the youngest Hall of Famer in the Billiard Congress of America. He also stepped outside the narrow ring of the smoky pool hall by appearing in the Miller Lite “Less Filling, Tastes Great” ads with Bubba Smith, Boom Boom Geoffrion, Marvelous Marv Throneberry and Rodney Dangerfield. To film one commercial, he pulled off the same trick shot an estimated 181 times in 8 and a half hours as everything else in the commercial went wrong. He also lost a tournament match to the Paul Newman’s Fast Eddie Felson in the 1986 movie “The Color of Money.”