See No Evel, Hear No Evel, Speak No Evel
Or
Evel Dead
(Lifted from The Derby Dead Pool, where I am now in 52nd place)
Evel Knievel, who got more out of his career despite a catastrophic crash than anyone since Ted Kennedy, has jumped the River Styx at the age of 69, succumbing to idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Knievel was best known for four death-defying stunts that were among the most watched Wide World of Sports events, though keep in perspective that the competition included bushkazi and elephant polo. Knievel started his daredevil career in 1966, and crashed while attempting to jump onto a motorcycle. Repeated attempts to jump 12 and then 16 cars let to grievous injuries and occasional successes, and enough notoriety to gain an audience on the Joey Bishop Show. From there, he conned his way into a stunt where he jumped over the fountains at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, and his devastating crash left him in a coma for 29 days. The interest in actually getting to watch him kill himself on television led to more stunts and bigger audiences, though the U.S. government refused to allow his death wish: jumping over the Grand Canyon. He barely survived jumping Snake River Canyon on a rocket Skycycle when the drag chute deployed early and carried the cycle back into the canyon and the river. Jumps over buses in London and Seattle were ratings bonanzas, even though he broke his pelvis again in London, but signaled the beginning of the end and his last jump was in 1981. The spectacular nature of Knievel’s crashes resulted in a Guinness record for most broken bones (40) and parodies in the form of the even more ill-fated Super Dave Osborne and Captain Lance Murdock, who inspired Bart’s attempt to jump Springfield Gorge. Other highlights of Knievel’s career include knocking out Butte, Montana’s power after running into a power line while doing a wheelie in an earth mover, stealing the gate receipts from a 1960 exhibition hockey game with the Czechoslovakian Olympic team and nearly causing an international incident, and running a hunting guide service that guaranteed big game or your money back and fulfilled that promise by poaching in Yellowstone National Park. Luckily, Evel was able to go to the grave having done right by Kanye.
With Evel’s final jump at the buzzer, my Dead Men Walking take over first place with 5 hits and 53.3333334 points, and Jen Barlow climbs into a career-best 6th. And that means for the second time in three years, I call on you to join me in praise of me, for I am the champion, my friends, and they’ll keep on dying, ‘til the end. No time for living, cause they are the corpses, from around the world. I’d like to thank Lamar Hunt, Deborah Kerr, Evel Knievel, Madeline L’Engle and Jane Wyman for pushing through the medicine and the modern health advances and walking into the light anyway. This was a surprise win – even I had chalked this up to a rebuilding year. We didn’t have many injuries, but these guys didn’t let them stop them. I’d also like the rest of my teams to take a good long hard look at themselves and ask if they really gave all they could to the cause this year and if they can’t dig a little deeper – about 6 feet –next year.
Since it’s all about the bragging rights, some other champions we can crown:
Boston University Alumni: Me
New England Division Champion: Shawn DeVeau’s Team One Old
Chicagoland Division: Greg Sorenson’s Team Quincy for the second year in a row
TRASH Division (Non Terrier Class): Craig Barker, also a repeat winner
This was a resounding success all around, with records for most deaths (47) and most total hits (148). We also had 6 lists with 5 hits, after only 9 achieved that through the first 5 years of the GHI. Though be warned, all 14 of those 5-hit or more lists occurred in odd years, so 2008 could be quiet. We said goodbye to Ingmar Bergman, Lady Bird Johnson, Augusto Pinochet leaving only Ray Bradbury, Kirk Douglas, Stephen Hawking, Jesse Helms, Whitney Houston, Harry Morgan, Mickey Rooney, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Gloria Stuart, Abe Vigoda as those who have survived on every list since the first GHI.
Evel Dead
(Lifted from The Derby Dead Pool, where I am now in 52nd place)
Evel Knievel, who got more out of his career despite a catastrophic crash than anyone since Ted Kennedy, has jumped the River Styx at the age of 69, succumbing to idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Knievel was best known for four death-defying stunts that were among the most watched Wide World of Sports events, though keep in perspective that the competition included bushkazi and elephant polo. Knievel started his daredevil career in 1966, and crashed while attempting to jump onto a motorcycle. Repeated attempts to jump 12 and then 16 cars let to grievous injuries and occasional successes, and enough notoriety to gain an audience on the Joey Bishop Show. From there, he conned his way into a stunt where he jumped over the fountains at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, and his devastating crash left him in a coma for 29 days. The interest in actually getting to watch him kill himself on television led to more stunts and bigger audiences, though the U.S. government refused to allow his death wish: jumping over the Grand Canyon. He barely survived jumping Snake River Canyon on a rocket Skycycle when the drag chute deployed early and carried the cycle back into the canyon and the river. Jumps over buses in London and Seattle were ratings bonanzas, even though he broke his pelvis again in London, but signaled the beginning of the end and his last jump was in 1981. The spectacular nature of Knievel’s crashes resulted in a Guinness record for most broken bones (40) and parodies in the form of the even more ill-fated Super Dave Osborne and Captain Lance Murdock, who inspired Bart’s attempt to jump Springfield Gorge. Other highlights of Knievel’s career include knocking out Butte, Montana’s power after running into a power line while doing a wheelie in an earth mover, stealing the gate receipts from a 1960 exhibition hockey game with the Czechoslovakian Olympic team and nearly causing an international incident, and running a hunting guide service that guaranteed big game or your money back and fulfilled that promise by poaching in Yellowstone National Park. Luckily, Evel was able to go to the grave having done right by Kanye.
With Evel’s final jump at the buzzer, my Dead Men Walking take over first place with 5 hits and 53.3333334 points, and Jen Barlow climbs into a career-best 6th. And that means for the second time in three years, I call on you to join me in praise of me, for I am the champion, my friends, and they’ll keep on dying, ‘til the end. No time for living, cause they are the corpses, from around the world. I’d like to thank Lamar Hunt, Deborah Kerr, Evel Knievel, Madeline L’Engle and Jane Wyman for pushing through the medicine and the modern health advances and walking into the light anyway. This was a surprise win – even I had chalked this up to a rebuilding year. We didn’t have many injuries, but these guys didn’t let them stop them. I’d also like the rest of my teams to take a good long hard look at themselves and ask if they really gave all they could to the cause this year and if they can’t dig a little deeper – about 6 feet –next year.
Since it’s all about the bragging rights, some other champions we can crown:
Boston University Alumni: Me
New England Division Champion: Shawn DeVeau’s Team One Old
Chicagoland Division: Greg Sorenson’s Team Quincy for the second year in a row
TRASH Division (Non Terrier Class): Craig Barker, also a repeat winner
This was a resounding success all around, with records for most deaths (47) and most total hits (148). We also had 6 lists with 5 hits, after only 9 achieved that through the first 5 years of the GHI. Though be warned, all 14 of those 5-hit or more lists occurred in odd years, so 2008 could be quiet. We said goodbye to Ingmar Bergman, Lady Bird Johnson, Augusto Pinochet leaving only Ray Bradbury, Kirk Douglas, Stephen Hawking, Jesse Helms, Whitney Houston, Harry Morgan, Mickey Rooney, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Gloria Stuart, Abe Vigoda as those who have survived on every list since the first GHI.
Labels: Evel Knievel
posted by The Grim Reaper at 5:49 PM
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