Jack Kemp Cooked

Jack Kemp, who helped extend the Buffalo Bills losing streak as Bob Dole’s running mate in 1996, has died of cancer at the age of 74. A former MVP quarterback for the Buffalo Bills, Kemp went on to serve western New York in Congress from 1971 to 1989. In Congress, he helped develop the only ideas in the Republican arsenal for any and all economic shortcomings: tax cuts and deregulation. He was considered a leading candidate for the 1988 Republican presidential nomination, but lost to the towering personality of George Herbert Walker Bush, and got the token bitch position of HUD Secretary. His real legacy was helping to empower inept offspring: pissing away the Republican party in 1988 gave rise to the Bush dynasty, and we know how well that worked out. Even more significantly, his jackass son Jeff cost the Philadelphia Eagles a playoff appearance in 1991 with two interceptions against the Dallas Cowboys, despite having the league’s best defense behind him.