The Most Trusted Corpse in America

(An epitaphany shared with Mark, in spirit, anyway)

Or
And That’s the Way It Was

Or
Dead: That’s the Way He Is
(Further flourishes for Mark)
Walter Cronkite, former straight man to a sock puppet lion named Charlemane, has died at the age of 92. Reportedly, he was knocked off by NASA officials on the eve of his planned blockbuster admission that the moon landing was a hoax. He was blessed not to have had to lend his authoritative voice to the 24-hour news cycle obsessed with Octomoms, Britney Spears’ lack of underwear and Jon & Kate Minus Self-Awareness. His presence and ability to convey the moment are inextricably linked to two of the most significant moments of the 20th century – the JFK assassination and man walking on the moon. Less renowned was his coverage of the 1972 national farm report. Cronkite also told America he thought the Vietnam War was unwinnable, helping LBJ to make his decision not to run for re-election, which led the Democrats to nominate Hubert Humphrey, ensuring the election of Richard Nixon, whose creative interpretation of executive powers led Cronkite to be considered the most trusted man in America. So Uncle Walter’s proclamation was less a statement of conscience and more a sleeper attempt at self-aggrandizement. Cronkite’s time in television began when he was 16 and he helped in a demonstration of an experimental version of television at the 1933 World’s Fair in Chicago. After covering World War II up close for United Press, he went into television, and was literally television’s first anchorman – the term ‘anchor’ was first used to describe his role at the 1952 Republican and Democratic Conventions. He only missed one over the next 30 years. He hung it up in 1981 as he approached CBS’ mandatory retirement age of 65; CBS made amends for this short-sightedness by ignoring all viewers under that age.

With a cap tip to Greg, our resident NASA expert.