One Kulimoetoke Over the Line

Tomasi Kulimoetoke II, king of a Pacific island smaller than Boston, has died at the age of 91. Actually he died May 7, but my subscription to Uvea Mo Fotuna must have lapsed, so I’m a bit tardy, but better late than never. Kulimoetoke was the 50th King of Uvea, part of the French overseas territory of Wallis and Futuna. The latter-day Urulu* had been a subsistence farmer and pig breeder when he was elected president, and quickly realized the key to his island’s economic success lay not in their lone export – trochas, a seashell used for making buttons – but in sucking off the French welfare teat. He almost his throne when he caused a hula-skirted Butter Battle between supporters and detractors when he sheltered his grandson, who’d killed a pedestrian in a drunk driving accident, in the royal palace. Among his more significant rulings as sovereign of 14,000 extras from Joe vs. the Volcano were that islanders had to dismount their bikes when riding past the palace and shutting down the island newspaper for an unflattering editorial. Uvea’s is not a heriditary monarchy, so feel free to toss your hat in the successionary ring.

Mark’s latest crowning achievement gives his Royally Old squad another 20 points and moves it into 25th place.

* Urulu was the conniving chief of a tribe on an island near Taratupa on McHale’s Navy. I’m old.