His Heart Don't Beat To The Tune Of Any Drum

(Props to Don)

Or

Bain Capitated

The reunion shows for Diff’rent Strokes and Maude just got a little easier to coordinate, as Conrad Bain, the worst pater familias in the history of television, has died at the age of 89. Tests are being conducted to determine if it was a regular stroke or a…. A TV fixture of the 1970s and ‘80s, he and Conrad Janis – the two Conrads, in the parlance of Grey Panther Beat – were well known for their Metamucil benders, swinging lifestyle, and frequent brushes with the law, like the time he slapped Jenna Maroney in a men’s room. Best remembered as Philip Drummond, New York millionaire and adoptive father of Arnold and Willis Jackson, cult leader Bain watched as all his TV kids – Dana Plato, Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges spent time in jail, battled drug addictions and competed to see who would be the last man standing. Congrats, Todd. Other notable roles included leisure-suited conservative Dr. Arthur Harmon on Maude, Frank King in Child Bride of Short Creek, aka the Amish Vigilante, and Mr. Wells, the innkeeper in Dark Shadows who was killed off by a werewolf. In addition to Willis, Pearl, Sam, Maggie #2, and Mrs. Garrett are the only survivors from Diff’rent Strokes, while God still hasn’t gotten Walter for that and Adrienne Barbeau is still bouncing around from Maude.