No one at the Helm

Turns out that death, like taxes, aren’t just for the little people
(With an assist from the First Lady of the Dead Pool)

Or
Checked Out
Leona Helmsley, the New York hotelier who proved that ugly isn’t only skin deep, has died at the age of 87. With her husband, Helmsley was one of the leading real estate investors in the city, with an empire worth $5 billion. Leona managed the hotels, extolling their luxury in a series of ads. Turns out, its easy to run an empire when you steal from investors and ignore legal liabilities. When asked about her tax bill, Leona allegedly said, “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” She was sentenced to 4 years in jail and more than $7 million in fines for tax evasion. She was also known as the Queen of Mean for her treatment of her staff, casually firing employees while getting fitted for a dress and after the death of her only son, evicting his widow and her grandchildren and bankrupting them in the ensuing legal proceedings.

Off Track
And now a public service announcement. If someone named Eddie Griffin asks to borrow your car or give you a lift, say no. In fact, if you’re aware of anyone named Eddie Griffin driving anywhere in your general vicinity, stay inside, away from any doors or road-facing walls. Last year, while promoting his blink and you’ll miss it movie Redline, comedian Eddie Griffin managed to wreck a $1 million Enzo Ferrari. Last week, former Seton Hall star Eddie Griffin tried recreating the opening credits of The Fall Guy, colliding with a freight train in his SUV. Griffin had played in the NBA with the Houston Rockets, New Jersey Nets and Minnesota Timberwolves, generally disappointing fans when he wasn’t smacking around his girlfriend, missing team flights and spending time at the Betty Ford Center.