Lifeless on Lake Shore

Or

Dear Departed

(Props to Steve)

 

Or

Dear Abby - I recently died, any idea where to meet Manti Te'o's girlfriend in heaven?  Thanks, Pauline

(Kudos to Terry)

Pauline Phillips, a bored housewife who spent a lifetime telling other bored housewives and anyone else who couldn’t get their shit together and gave a rat’s ass what she thought how to make some semblance of their pitiful existences, has died of complications of Alzheimer’s disease at the age of 94. Writing as Abigail Van Buren, she and her twin and equally shrill harridan of a sister Eppie Lederer/Ann Landers updated the staid advice column into the modern era with their single entendres and judgmental bon mots. Lederer started first, at Chicago Sun-Times, and used Phillips as a sounding board. Phillips claimed Lederer’s replies were too long and lacked zing, so Phillips’ edited versions often made it into print, like it matters. After the Sun-Times put a stop to that, Phillips conned The San Francisco Chronicle into giving her a forum a few months later. Although the two became competitive and stopped speaking for 5 years, their lives were disturbingly intertwined, including a joint wedding ceremony and nearly simultaneous confessions that both had recycled old columns on those days when being trite was just so troublesome. The Dear Abby column has continued since 1987 as Philips’ daughter Jeanne took the Melissa Rivers career path, fooling millions who have not figured out that the goo these miserable offspring were covered with as they exited the vagina was not the transference of so-called “talent” from mother to child.