Plop-plop. Fizz-fizz. Oh what a genetic freak he is.

Dick Beals, who took the genetic lemons life handed him and made Alka-Seltzer, has died at the age of 85. Deprived of puberty by a glandular condition, Beals kept his child-like voice his entire life, beating out hundreds of children for the role of Norman Normanmeyer Jr. in the ABC cartoon series of “The Addams Family” – at the age of 65. When producers realized they could get a college graduate to voice any child – boy or girl, of any age – and not have to deal with stage mothers, Beals would never go hungry again. Among his many roles – 50 years as Speedy, the anthropomorphized Alka-Seltzer tablet, the first voice of Gumby and Goliath’s boy Davey, he was a Campbell’s Soup kid, proclaimed that he’d love to be an Oscar Meyer wiener, and was the voice of the Vaseline mascot, curiously named Sticky, which to me suggests you would be using the product incorrectly.

No More Staying Alive

Or

How Deep is Your Gibb?

Or

Now He Really Doesn’t Have Anything to Add

Turns out Robin Gibb also didn’t know how to mend a broken intestine as the Bee Gee has died of cancer and complications of intestinal surgery at the age of 62. Robin was the quiet one of the Gibb brothers, whose falsetto harmonies brought them worldwide fame during the disco era with hits like Jive Talkin’ and You Should Be Dancing. Falsetto disco and gold medallions apparently increase the risk of internal damage, as Robin’s twin Maurice died of complications of a twisted intestine in 2003 and solo singing brother Andy died of heart failure in 1988. Barry Gibb is clearly living on borrowed time. With more than 200 million albums sold worldwide, 6 U.S. No. 1 singles and the signature song – Stayin’ Alive - of Saturday Night Fever, the Bee Gees helped define the disco era. Robin also helped bring the disco to the preschool set, lending guest vocals to Trash, C is for Cookie and the title track of the album Sesame Street Fever.

Basset Hounded

Abdel Basset Ali al-Megrahi, the Pan Am-aniac who killed 270 people in the air and on the ground around Lockerbie, Scotland, has taken up residence in hell, finally succumbing to prostate cancer at the age of 60. The only man convicted in the 1988 bombing of Pan Am flight 103, Al-Megrahi was released a mere 30 months after Scottish officials had determined he had 3 months to live and granted him a compassionate release, suggesting that the Scots are either less penurious with forgiveness than they are with everything else or are as skilled in medicine as they are in tennis. After getting the third-world dictator get out of prison card, al-Megrahi was greeted in Libya with the kind of reception reserved in the United States for winners of national championships (albeit with fewer burning over-turned cars) or hometown contestants on cheesy televised karaoke competitions (albeit with fewer gazebos). The former intelligence officer was suspected to have been acting on the orders of Libyan President and Fashion Don’t Moammar Qaddafi, and his early release was suspected by many as having been tied to oil and gas concessions for Scotland, a contention not helped that then UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown discussed the release at a European economic conference. Or the chain of petrol stations that opened with a turban and kilt uniform.

Last Dance

(An epitaphany shared with Monty)

Or

No Longer Looking for Some Hot Stuff… Unless She Wanted to Be Cremated

Or

Dim All the Lights

Donna Summer, whose hit Last Dance did as much to indicate when it was time to settle for the one you were with as the ugly lights, has died of lung cancer at the age of 63. The disco diva and former back-up singer with Three Dog Night won 5 Grammys and hit it big with Love to Love You Baby, Hot Stuff, On the Radio and Bad Girls and her attempt to turn the classically morose MacArthur Park into an up-tempo number. Summer is also known by TGIF fans as Urkel’s Aunt Oona on Family Matters. In keeping with the surreality of President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, Summers was the featured performer, backed by the Norwegian Radio Orchestra.

(Yawn) Another Kennedy

(Props to Monty)
Out of habit, the Kennedy curse has struck again, as Mary Kennedy, the second wife of Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., hung herself at the age of 53. Her suicide came 2 years after he had filed for divorce, which she accepted in typical Kennedy fashion, with two drunk driving arrests in as many years.

Be Still

Or

Off to Castle Yonder

Or

Where the Dead Things Are

Maurice Sendak, who became a fixture of kiddie lit by treating children as the selfish, irrational sociopaths they really are, and because he couldn’t draw horses, has died of complications of a stroke at the age of 83. Already a renowned author and illustrator, Sendak pitched a book called Where the Wild Horses Are, which his editor loved. Sendak couldn’t draw horses, but he could draw things, especially with the obnoxious relatives from the Sunday gatherings of his youth as models, and the book became one of the top sellers of all time. The book probably would have sold even more if it wasn’t banned by small-minded librarians who thought the book would be too frightening for young’uns coddled by the sweetness and innocence of most kids’ books. Other classics included Higglety Pigglety Pop! Or There Must Be More to Life, the nonsensical tale of a terrier who decides there must be more to life than having everything, In the Night Kitchen, about the nocturnal adventures of Mickey, a pants-less child who barely escapes being baked into a cake, and Outside Over There, the tale of a girl rescuing her baby sister from the goblins who kidnapped her. Sendak was a member of the National Board of Advisors of the Children’s Television Workshop during the development stages of Sesame Street, and later collaborated with Jim Henson to produce an animated sequence of his story Bumble Ardy.

Roamin' no more

(Kudos to Monty)

Or

Totes Cadev

(Additional accolades for Monty)

Roman Totenberg, the greatest Polish violinist ever, has died at the age of 101. The former Boston University professor of music and Head of the String Department also was the father of NPR legal affairs doyenne (and giveaway tote bag namesake) Nina Totenberg and federal district court judge Amy Totenberg.

This is Someone Who Isn't Living Anymore. Jerry Garcia Was a Grateful One. Zombies Are Walking....

(Unbeknownst props to Phil Groce)
Bob Stewart, who helped make sure Americans knew how much a jar of maraschino cherries cost, has died at the age of 91. Stewart also helped introduce to Stupid Pet Tricks as the producer of  a 1980 daytime talk show on NBC starring David Letterman, an occasional panelist on Pyramid, although he quit 4 days before the debut due to creative disagreements. Stewart had about as impressive a debut as any TV producer ever. In his first meeting with Mark Goodson of Goodson-Todman Productions, the definitive hit-makers in TV game shows, Stewart pitched a show called Three of a Kind, in which three contestants would claim to be the same person while a panel tried to ascertain who was being honest. Goodson wasn’t sold. Stewart’s next pitch? The Auctioneer, in which contestants would guess the prices of consumer goods. While Stewart was about as good at naming things as Frank Zappa, To Tell the Truth and The Price is Right combined to yield 81 years of lovely parting gifts and counting. Other creations included Password, aka The Betty White Open, The $10,000 Ziggurat, where Nipsey Russell showed how to rhyme “harvester,” and The Love Experts, a 1-year wonder where a panel of celebrities provided non-binding arbitration to members of love triangles. Stewart will be remembered at 5 short funerals held in one day, with special guest stars Jo Anne Worley, Charlie Siebert, Betty White, Carl Reiner and Adrienne Barbeau.

Say Ow

Tiana Baul “Junior” Seau has become the 4th defensive player from the 1992 Pro Bowl and the 8th member of the San Diego Chargers lone Super Bowl Team of 1994 to die, apparently from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest at age 43. Much like a Boy Named Sue, a boy named Tiana had to be able to handle himself, and Seau emerged as one of the premier defenders of his generation and greatest linebackers of all time, beginning his career with 12 straight Pro Bowl appearances and making the NFL all-decade team for the 1990s.