Don't Take the Dead Into Your Own Hands, Take Them to A Cemetery

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Judgment Day

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Time for Wapner.

(Props to Don)

Judge Joseph Wapner, best remembered for his decision in the landmark case Carson v. Letterman, aka The case of the Creased Clunker, has died at the age of 97. Born and raised in Southern California and having dated Lana Turner in high school, Wapner was well suited for a celebrity-obsessed nation even then so willfully ill-informed that he was more well-known than any member of the US Supreme Court. After earning a Bronze Star and Purple Heart in the Pacific during World War II, Wapner graduated from USC Law School, spent 10 years in private practice, 2 years on the Los Angeles Municipal Court then 18 years on the LA Superior Court. After retiring, he assumed the bench of The People’s Court, where low-income, poorly educated, inarticulate citizenry argued for the amusement of the masses, in what was essentially televised arbitration set up to look like a small claims court. With trusty Rusty as his bailiff at his side, Wapner genially, and occasionally angrily, grilled the downtrodden as they squabbled over petty loans and minor damages, while professional hairdo Doug Llewelyn waited in the wings to exult in triumph with the victors and console the losers. Wapner donned the robes for 12 seasons before being unceremoniously, and unknowingly, dumped when the producers tried to revamp the show to improve floundering ratings. Unable to leave the limelight behind, Wapner presided over for Animal Court – kind of an Stupid and Illegal Pet Tricks where people would sue each other over damage their animals had caused. In an episode of Sliders, he played Commissar Wapner, where The People’s Court was actually a criminal court in an alternate world where the Soviet Union had defeated the United States. 

Tinker’s to Never, So No Chance

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Tinker Failing, Older: Dies

 

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No Moore

Grant Tinker, the prick bastard who cheated on America’s Sweetheart Mary Tyler Moore, has died at the age of 90. Tinker and Moore formed MTM Enterprises, and for their first foray into television productions, went way out on a limb with The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Success there led to developing more sitcoms, notably Rhoda, The Bob Newhart Show and WKRP in Cincinnati. MTM also branched out, apparently because they thought it would be cute to put a kitty in a surgical mask or a policeman’s hat, and invented the ensemble drama with St. Elsewhere and Hill Street Blues. After their divorce, staff meetings at MTM got awkward, so Tinker took over struggling NBC, which would have been eating Dumont’s dust if it still existed. Under his direction, and with not a little help from Brandon Tartikoff, NBC found itself on top, thanks to programming like The Cosby Show, Cheers, Family Ties, The Golden Girls, Cheers and Night Court. Tinker earned a Peabody Award in 1994 and was inducted into the TV Hall of Fame in 1997. 

Shattered

(Props to Monty)

 

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Serenity Not

 

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Closed Book

Ron Glass, proud upholder of the tradition of Art Carney, Eddie Bracken, Jack Lemmon, Tony Randall and Thomas Lennon, has died of respiratory failure at the age of 71. Glass is best remembered as ambitious Sgt Ron Harris on Barney Miller, more interested in his wardrobe and efforts to publish his memoir Blood on the Badge than his police work. Thirty years later, he got another noteworthy job, the shadowy preacher Shepherd Derrial Book of the Serenity on Firefly. In between, he was Ross’ lawyer during one of his many divorces and played Felix Ungar on the all-black The New Odd Couple.

Here’s the story, of a deceased lady

Here’s the story, of a deceased ladyWho is pushing up a very lovely daisy.All of you want me to go on, but why bother?
And I am quite lazy.

Florence Henderson, the TV supermom who managed to shepherd her entire on-screen brood to adulthood, has died of heart failure at the age of 82. Henderson started her career as a singer, appearing on Broadway in Fanny and on TV in Oldsmobile commercials. She later became the first female host of a late-night talk show when she bridged the gap between Jack Paar and Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. Henderson is best remembered as Carol Brady, widowed under suspicious circumstances with three blonde children, none of whom ever mention or seem to miss their departed father, and who immediately bestow the name “Daddy” onto Mike Brady, Carol’s newest sugar daddy, himself conveniently widowered, in the amoral saga The Brady Bunch. Her sick game came to a fitting end when she was gunned down as a special guest star on Police Squad! (in color), but not before leaving us with The Brady Bunch Hour, The Brady Girls Get Married and Brady Brides. She then accepted any role that would come along playing off or against her wholesome mom shtick: Dave’s World, King of Queens, and in her last screen role, Fifty Shades of Black. 

Beth Doesn’t Live Here Any More

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Vera....Vera...What Has Become of You?

Beth Howland, best remembered as Bea in the last episode of The Tick, has died of lung cancer at the age of 74. The stage actress found a long-time home as Vera Louise Gorman, the "dinghy" neurotic waitress at Mel’s Diner for the entire run of Alice, winning 4 Golden Globe nominations. And then pretty much retired, save the occasional cameo appearance. Also of interest is the disparity of her marriages, first to professional weirdo Michael J. Pollard, then to the buttoned up Charles Kimbrough, best remembered as Jim Dyal on Murphy Brown, who honored Howland’s request and didn’t mentioned her death for 5 months. 

Sunsetted

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86 Sunset Strip

Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., who was indirectly responsible for the disaster at Waco, has died at the age of 95. The star of the long-running series The FBI, Zimbalist was honored several times by the agency, who said that his performance inspired many men and women to join, some of whom may have been in positions of authority in 1990 during David Koresh’s barbecue gone awry. Other roles included a hipster PI with beatnik part-time flunky/parking lot attendant Edd “Kookie” Byrnes in 77 Sunset Strip, a recurring gig as a con artist in Remington Steele opposite daughter Stephanie, the voice of Alfred Pennyworth in several Batman cartoon series, an airplane captain in Airport 1975 who is blinded by a mid-air accident, putting head stewardess Karen Black in the pilot’s seat based on strict laws of succession. Airport 1975 and another Zimbalist feature, The Crowded Sky, provided prominent grist for the parody mill in Airplane!, and Zimbalist followed Leslie Nielsen’s against-type performance in that film with his own in Hot Shots!

Finn-ished

Cory Monteith has proven once again that things come late to Canada and are usually spelled wroung, providing a self-destructive drug-addled Cory to the Great White Landscape almost 30 years after the Corey phase had ended in the US. The 26-year-old awkward, goofy actor-drummer entered the pantheon of TV immortals as Finn Hudson, star quarterback turned lead show choir singer, on Glee, in a character development arc not at all mirroring Oz on American Pie. He entered the land of mortals following a fatal combination of heroin and champagne in a Vancouver hotel at the age of 31.

Sit Shiva Ubu, Sit Shiva

Gary David Goldberg, who made a Canadian garden gnome one of the biggest TV stars of the 1980s, has died of brain cancer at the age of 68. Goldberg’s TV career began as Scooterman, lead character of an Israeli language teaching show for children. After stints as a writer on The Bob Newhart Show, The Tony Randall Show, and Lou Grant, he started his own company Ubu productions, named for the good dog he praised at the end of every episode. Ubu produced the Michael J. Fox vechicles Family Ties, Spin City and added to the many motherhoods of Marion Ross by casting her as the matriarch of Brooklyn Bridge.

One More Thing... or Maybe Not

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I Guess There Won't Be Just One More Thing...
(Kudos to Mike Burger for continuing the theme)

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One Last Thing... *THUD*
(Mark, also variating on the theme)

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Gee Mr. Rosenberg, I Hate To Bother You...
(Monty, earning points for personalization)
Peter Falk, the adult equivalent of those meddling kids as Lt. Columbo, has died of complications of Alzheimer’s disease at the age of 83. Today, he’d be relegated to the USA Network and be paired with a perky blonde by-the-book partner who grudgingly comes to respect his unorthodox ways. But on his own in his rumpled raincoat, perpetually misplaced matches to light his signature cigar, faraway look as a result of the glass eye that replaced one removed at age 3 due to a cancerous tumor, and endless stories about Mrs. Colombo and the rest of his family, Columbo became a TV icon as he lulled criminal masterminds into complacency with compliments and apologies for troubling them before asking that one last question that sends the house of cards tumbling. Before sending special guest stars to the big house, Falk had been nominated for two Oscars for playing mob figures in 1960’s Murder, Inc. and then in Frank Capra’s last film, 1961’s Pocketful of Miracles. No award nominations accompanied his mob turns in Cookie, Shark Tale and Corky Romano. He also had a well established stage career, appearing in original productions of works by Paddy Chayefsky, Neil Simon and Arthur Miller. Other roles included the all-star Agatha Christie parody Murder by Death, as the unhinged ex-CIA spook opposite Alan Arkin in The In-Laws, and the grandfather in The Princess Bride, in which he reprised his “where did I put that” pat-down while looking for his glasses.

Believe It Or Not, I'm Walking On Air....

(Props to Phil)

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Guess he was typing his obit...
(Kudos to Phil)

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Hardcastle and McDeadmick
(Can I Get a Whoop Whoop for Phil)

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They said no one died in an A-Team episode...
(Cap tip to Phil, president of the Stephen J. Cannell fan club)

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In 2010, Stephen J. Cannell died from complications from melanoma. His soul promptly escaped the corporeal body to the Limbo Angeles Underground. Today, still wanted by the devil, he survives as a soul of fortune. If you have a problem, and no one on earth can help, maybe you should call... THE PRAYER TEAM
(Further fanfare for Phil)
Stephen J. Cannell, supplier of at least 2 hours of programming a day on most of the nation’s UHF channels, has died of melanoma at the age of 69. With more than 1,500 episodes as writer, producer or executive producer, he ranks as one of TV’s most prolific creators, most notably with The Rockford Files, which helped shift TV crime dramas from dry by the numbers affairs, and The A-Team, a hit when NBC desperately needed one in the mid-1980s. He helped launch Kevin Spacey’s career with an extended run as a villain on Wiseguy and made Johnny Depp a Teen Beat cover boy with 21 Jump Street. He introduced lovable lug Michael Chiklis as The Commish, a character light years from Vic Mackey on The Shield. He was less successful with William Katt and The Greatest American Hero. Other creations included Riptide, Hunter, Renegade, Silk Stalkings, Hardcastle and McCormick, Tenspeed and Brown Shoe and Booker. Most recently, he appeared as a poker buddy on Castle, though unfortunately, not as a writer.

Stop, My Mom Is Shot

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Picture it, Los Angeles, 2008

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Lifetime, Television for Dead Women

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Stop, or My Mom Will Croak
(Props to Mark)

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I Wouldn't Bury Her With Bea Arthur's Shovel
(An epitaphany shared by Mark and Phil)

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Golden Harp Girl
(Kudos to Monty)

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Syndicated to Death
(More Merit for Monty)

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Gone to the Shady Pines Garden of Memories
(Accolades for Phil, displaying disturbingly deep Golden Girls cred)

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Stop or My Mom Will Shoot - Mom?, Mom.......?
(Additional accolades for Phil)
Estelle Getty, star of Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot, has died at age 84 of complications from any one of the half dozen dementia related illnesses ascribed to her over the last decade. Getty had bounced around stages for decades before Brandon Tartikoff came upon the idea of promoting the funny side of strokes and greenlit The Golden Girls, a show that took all those hilarious unfiltered things that kids say because they don’t know any better and transferred them to a feisty octogenarian who had suffered a stroke and lost that social filter that tells people they can’t just say anything they want. For 7 years, Getty, as Sophia Petrillo, scored Emmy nominations for mocking dim-witted Rose, creepily horny Blanche and hermaphroditic Dorothy. When Blanche, the original cougar, declared her life was an open book, Sophia countered, “Your life is an open blouse.” The less said about sequels Golden Palace, Golden Showers and the Cinemax offshoot Golden Girls Gone Wild, the better. Other roles included Harvey Fierstein’s mother in Torch Song Trilogy, Cher’s mother in Mask, and the matronly owner of the Philly department store where Andrew McCarthy makes his love connection with Kim Cattrall in Mannequin.

Goodman Tells No Tales

Dody Goodman, professional twit, has died at the age of 93. With a voice she described as a “tweetie pie cartoon bird strangling on peanut butter,” she made a career for herself by playing the delightfully unaware airhead, starting as a frequent guest on The Jack Paar Show before the cranky old bastard got tired of being upstaged, then on stage, and in films, TV guest stints and voice overs. Best known roles included Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman’s mother mother who talked to plants and slept with hot-air balloonists who crashed into her house, Rydell High’s secretary Blanche in Grease, the voice of neighbor Miss Miller on The Chipmunks cartoon, and, if you’re like me, and I know I am, Phillip Drummond’s beloved sister Sophia in a handful of Diff’rent Strokes episodes and one of Henry Warnimont’s neighbors on Punky Brewster.

Kamel Went

Adrian Monk is screwed. Stanley Kamel, best known as Dr. Charles Kroger, over-matched psychiatrist for Tony Shaloub’s obsessive-compulsive, poly-phobic detective Adrian Monk, has died of a heart attack at the age of 65. The Boston University alum also played crooked psychiatrist Graham Lester on Murder One, pansy mob boss Tony Marchette on Beverly Hills, 90210, delusional engineer Kosinski who thought that he was the one responsible for the Enterprise achieving astronomical speeds, when actually an alien was taking the ship for a joy ride and Stanley, an incredibly boring flunky from the Commerce Department.