Goulet-ed to Rest

Or
Came-plot
Office workers prone to late afternoon naps can rest easier. Robert Goulet has died of complications of idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Best known as the American baritone from Canada in such Broadway hits as Camelot, where he played Sir Lancelot, Carousel and South Pacific, he sold out in a long run in Las Vegas starting in the 1970s. His slicked back, jet black hair and stage moustache gave him the easily parodiable appearance of a telenovela archnemesis, and he was not above mocking himself, battling Frank Drebin as evil industrialist Quentin Hapsburg in The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear before getting eaten by a lion, headlining at Bart’s Casino with a performance of “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells” that brings down the house, getting launched through the roof by Beetlejuice, and appearing as himself in the Christmas special within Scrooged. Other career highlights included getting executed by firing squad as a special guest star on Police Squad, singing the Canadian national anthem at the beginning of "WrestleMania VI" in Toronto and starring in the unsold pilot Acting Sheriff as a small-time actor who becomes sheriff of a small Northern California town.

Max and Mama

Packed Up
Hoist a ptomaine and e coli burrito in honor of the late Max McGee. Then drop it. The hero of Super Bowl I and founder of the Chi Chi’s chain of food poisoning establishments has died at the age of 75 after falling off his roof while removing leaves with a blower. In 1967, McGee was a little-used wide receiver, and, not expecting to play in the big game, he stayed out all night getting plastered. The next day, he told Boyd Dowler, the starting wide receiver, not to get hurt because he was in no shape to play. On the game’s second series, Dowler separated his shoulder and McGee was sent in, borrowing a helmet on the way because he hadn’t bothered to bring his with him. A few plays later, McGee was making a circus catch, reaching well behind him to catch an errant Bart Starr pass, chiefly on instinct he would later admit because he had no idea what he was doing. McGee ended up with 8 catches, 138 yards and 2 touchdowns – including the first in Super Bowl history, en route to one of the greatest examples – along with Dock Ellis’ LSD laced no-hitter – that clean living is thoroughly over-rated. The game was a testament to McGee’s philosophy that on 3rd and 10, you want a whiskey drinker – the milk drinkers won’t get it done. McGee was a perfect foil to Vince Lombardi’s tough demeanor. In Lombardi’s first meeting with the team, he started by saying, “Men, this is a football.” McGee responded, “Not so fast, coach. Not so fast.”

I Remember Mama
Carol Bruce, best remembered as hard-ass station owner of WKRP in Cincinnati, died at the age of 87 from chronic pulmonary obstructive disease. She did some other stuff and appeared on Broadway, but pretty she was Mrs. Carlson and that’s it.

Surf and Turf

Eternity From Here

Or
Years From Now, When You Speak of Her, And You Will, Be Kind

Or
Broken Down Kerr
(Accolades for Mark)

Or
From Here to Eternity? About 6 Feet
(Props to Phil)

Or
From Here to Eternity II: This Times for Real
(A cap tip to Mark)
Deborah Kerr, the other half of the most deceiving romantic kiss in cinematic history, has died at the age of 86 from complications from Parkinson’s Disease. Kerr is best known for her role in the surf with Burt Lancaster in the sort of war movie From Here to Eternity, a scene that reportedly still had her dislodging sand from delicate areas until her death, and was the inspiration for Ted and Elaine’s seaweed encrusted romp in Airplane!, and for Lane Kim to lose her virginity on The Golden Girls. She also drove Yul Brynner into an early grave with her wicked Western ways in The King and I and stood up, so to speak, Cary Grant at the top of the Empire State Building in An Affair to Remember, which was referenced in Sleepless in Seattle, and was a remake of Love Affair, which wasn’t any good to begin with. Kerr holds the distinction for being the most Oscar-nominated actress to never take home the statue, with nods for The Sundowners; Separate Tables; Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison; The King and I; From Here to Eternity and Edward, My Son.

Two Pooligans Kerr-y on, with My Dead Men Walking moving into 4th place, while Jeannie Magner’s Team Two slides into 45th place. At least temporarily, because …

Bishop to Night 4ever

Or
Rat Packing it In
(An epitaphany shared with Mark and Phil)

Or
Beating the Bishop
(Kudos to Mark and Phil for another shared epitaphany)
Joey Bishop, the Ringo of the Rat Pack, has died at the age of 89. The Frown Prince of Comedy, as he was known for his elongated visage, was the Garry Shandling of the ‘60s, only without the sex appeal, making his name as an ad-libbing stand-up comedian, earning a series of appearances on talk shows, a sitcom starring him as a talk-show host, a gig as Johnny Carson’s most prolific caddy and then a brief stint as a competitor, where he unwittingly unleashed sidekick Regis Philbin on an unsuspecting nation. He earned a spot in the Rat Pack when he began opening for Frank Sinatra in New York, then for nearly all of Sinatra’s gigs. His dry deadpan was a perfect counter to Dean, Sammy and Frank’s over-the-top theatrics and he was probably the only man who could deliver the line, “Mr. Sinatra will now speak of some of the good things the Mafia has done,” and not have to eat his own kneecap. Before Sinatra became persona non grata at the White House, he was tapped to produce John F. Kennedy’s inaugural ball, and he hired Bishop to emcee. At one point, Bishop looked at the Kennedys at the main dais and reminded them, “I told you I’d get you a good seat.” Bishop appeared in all the Rat Pack movies through Robin and the Seven Hoods, was rescued by Chuck Norris and the Delta Force and had an up-close view of Molly Ringwald’s top hat in Betsy’s Wedding as Alan Alda’s father.

All but four Pooligans are saying “Rats” now, with the most notable move being Shawn’s Team One –Old unseating Mark from the top spot he’d held for 4 months, a scant .921 points ahead. Michelle’s Take My Life Please moves into 8th, Mark’s Angels with Wrinkled Faces III: You’ll Never Draw Breath in This Town Again takes 13th, Steve@the Movies climbs into 22nd. Those making a Rook-ie mistake with Bishop are Warren, James and Don, each of whom had Joey on previous lists.

Over the Hilda

Sigrid Valdis, aka, Patricia Crane, the sexy blonde secretary on whose desk you could usually find Colonel Hogan when Colonel Klink came simpering out of his office, has died of lung cancer at the age of 72. Shortly before the end of the funniest sitcom ever about Nazis, she married series star Bob Crane, who 8 years later got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex.

Ghostley or Ghostlier

Ex-merelda

Or
Decomposing Woman

Or
It seems that Alice Ghostley is even more so these days
(Props to Monty)
Alice Ghostley, the professional ditz who was the poor man’s Dody Goodman, has died at the age of 81ish. Ghostley is best remembered as having replaced Marion Lorne’s Aunt Clara on Bewitched when the actress died unexpectedly. Ghostley played recurring character Esmerelda, the Samantha and Durwood Stephens’ maid and baby-sitter, a shy neurotic witch whose spells never worked and who cause havoc when she sneezed – think Willow as a domestic. Ghostley was used to replacing beloved characters, having replaced Aunt Bee on Mayberry R.F.D. Thirty years later, she proved her acting chops as the addled Bernice and had to convince viewers she was hot to trot for Meschach Taylor’s Anthony Bouvier on Designing Women. She won a Tony as best supporting actress in 1965’s “The Sign in Sidney Brustein’s Window” and took home an Oscar in 1970. She didn’t actually win one, but accepted Maggie Smith’s for “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie.” Other roles included Dorothy Zbornak’s loony mother-in-law on The Golden Girls, Mrs. Murdock, the shop teacher on Grease and reprised her occult classic status as Sabrina, the Teemage Witch’s Great-Granny. With Ghostley’s death, the only surviving cast member from Bewitched, not counting the child actors who played Sabrina and Adam, is Bernard Fox, who played Dr. Mumbai (nee Bombay).

Alice’s death gives my The Die is Cast squad a ghost of a chance as I pull into 16th.

Wheel of Time Stops Rolling
Robert Jordan, author of the Wheel of Time series of novels so popular among parent’s basement dwellers, has died at the age of 58. Jordan, the bane of Mike Burger’s pop culture trivia career, described the sweeping saga of Rand al’Thor, who battles the evil that threatens to take over his land, in 11 intricately plotted novels with characters so richly drawn that readers never needed to develop social skills to interact with other humans. When not ripping off J.R.R. Tolkein, Jordan also took a stab at picking up where others had left off with the Conan the Barbarian series, penning Conan the Invincible, Conan the Triumphant and Conan the Victorious. At the time of his death, Jordan had been working on Conan the Wicked Awesome.

A Bip in the Eternal Night

Or
The Rest is Silence

Or
A Mime is a Terrible Thing to Waste

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Silenced
(Kudos to Monty)

Or
Would anyone like to say a few words? Anyone?
(Accolades for Joe)

Or
Eternal Silence of the Spotless Mime
(Honorifics for Phil)
Marcel Marceau has decided to end his mime career doing trapped in a box, dying at the age of 84. International accolades poured in over the last few weeks, which surprised me, as I expected a more muted response. Marceau played on the naivete of his audience in his “craft.” He could never flub a line, and audiences were left to decide for themselves what the act was. Unwilling to admit they had wasted hundreds of dollars on a silent, pancaked depressing clown, they convinced themselves they had seen high art with shades of genius, while Marceau walked against the wind all the way to the bank.

Blackhawk Down

Or
Crumpled Dollar Bill
(Whoop whoop for Craig)
The Chicago Blackhawks might actually have a chance to succeed as tight-fisted bastard owner Bill Wirtz has died at the age of 77. The Wirtz family bought the Blackhawks in 1954 and in 1966 Bill took over as team president. The Original Six stalwart hasn’t won a Stanley Cup since, has advanced past the second round in the playoffs just 9 times in Wirtz’s 40 seasons and over the last 9 seasons, in a league where every team makes the playoffs, has missed the playoffs 8 times. Wirtz was beloved for his loyalty to his front office personnel, and with results like those, why would you ever make a change? Wirtz steered clear of bidding wars to stock his roster while watching his own stars seek their fortune elsewhere. Fans have stayed away from the United Center in droves – the team averages only about 12,000 a night in a 20,000-seat arena – and Wirtz’s refusal to televise home games has allowed many Chicagoans to forget they even have a team.

Tomorrow Never Dies, But Secretaries Certainly Do
(Another cap tip for Craig)

Or
Declare the Moneypennys on Her Eyes

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Spent
(Egregious esteem for Monty)

Or
Maxed Out
(Raves for Monty)

Or
A Penny Grave is a Penny Returned
(Tributes for Craig)
Lois Maxwell, best known as the randiest secretary in London, has died at the age of 80. Maxwell played Miss Moneypenny, eternally pining for James Bond in 14 films, second only to Desmond Llewellyn as Q in 18. She also played a version of herself, along with Bernard Lee, better known as the first M, in the Neil Connery vehicle Operation Double 007 (no typo, hence the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment).

Oerter’s Aorta Outta Order

Or
End of Discus-ion
(I’ve run out of witty congrats, but that one was Joe’s)

Or
Nothing Gold can Stay
(Whatever – thank Craig for that one)
Al Oerter, the greatest discus thrower ever, has died at the age of 71 from vascular disease. Oerter represented the U.S. in the Olympics in 1956, 1960, 1964 and 1968, each time overcoming injury, but given little chance to win when competing against the reigning world record holder, and each time winning the gold medal, the first to win in 4 consecutive Olympics and the only athlete to improve on his record each time. Twelve years after his last Olympics, at the age of 43 he set a personal best in the 1980 Olympic trials and was named an alternate on the team, but with Jimmy Carter deciding that if he couldn’t escape the malaise no one could, he watched with the other forced boycotters from home. At 47, he reached the finals of the 1984 Olympic trials before a torn calf muscle forced his withdrawal.