Just Say No Pulse

(An epitaphany shared by Don and Patrick)

 

Or

Just Say No to Living

(Shawn, varying on the theme)

 

Or

Mommy Deadest

Unable to bear another day of the Republican primary season, astrology-loving clotheshorse and 40 1/2th President of the United States Nancy Reagan has died of congestive heart failure at the age of 94. Taking the name Nancy Davis for her stepfather, she had embarked on a career in Hollywood, where she appeared in supporting roles in 11 films and developed a reputation for giving the best blow jobs in town. After being confused with another Nancy Davis who had the temerity to challenge the black list, Davis sought help from Reagan, then president of the Screen Actors Guild, and she was immediately smitten. As Ronnie switched from a dead-end film career to politics, Nancy was ever at his side. She was heavily involved in hiring and firing the staff on Ronnie’s attempt to secure the Republican nomination in 1976 and his somewhat more successful run in 1980. She helped orchestrate the dismissal of Chief of Staff Donald Regan for letting Ronnie get caught selling arms to Iran. Mommy then convinced Ronnie to apologize to the country, which reversed his rapidly falling approval rating. She drew praise as First Lady for turning the White House into the embodiment of the extravagant excess and conspicuous consumption of the 1980s, with lavish receptions, new furnishings and china, and glamourous ball gowns. Other influences over the White House included advising on favorable and unfavorable days for the president’s schedule based on the astrological readings of Joan Quigley, who claimed to have predicted that March 30 would be a bad day for Ronnie; it turned out to be the date of John Hinckley’s love note to Jodie Foster. One of her major causes as First Lady was her much-publicized campaign against drug and alcohol abuse, which assumed that it had never occurred to America’s youth to say no to drug dealers, widely regarded as rational actors when it comes to such things. Nancy had no problem just saying no to old Hollywood pal Rock Hudson when he reached out for assistance in getting transferred to a French military hospital as he lay dying of AIDS. But she apparently never said no to long-time boning partner Frank Sinatra. 

Back Off the Wagon

Or
The Last Ford Has Rolled Off The Assembly Line...
(Props to Terry)
Betty Ford, our nation’s pill-popping truck driver of a First Lady, has died at the age of 93. If Jerry Ford was our accidental president, Betty Ford was our perfect storm First Lady. Having started swiping her day’s gin at the age of 12 and giving the best hand jobs in the 9th grade, Ford told an interviewer that she wouldn’t be surprised if her teenage daughter was smoking marijuana and having sex. Not surprising, given that she was the first First Lady to share a bed in the White House with the president. Because when the First Momma (her CB handle - seriously) gets the itch in the middle of the night, she doesn’t want to have to sneak across the hall. When she and Jerry visited China, she kicked off her shoes and started dancing. She said couples should live together before marriage, that women should be drafted into the military, and was an advocate for abortion rights and the ERA. To some, it was a breath of fresh air; to others, she was the crazy aunt who shared a little too much after hitting the cooking sherry. She also candidly discussed her battle with breast cancer and mastectomy, instead of leaving it as the topic of hushed whispers where it belongs, and sold out for a lucrative naming rights deal for a celebrity nightclub for repeat partiers.