He Got So Lonesome, He Got So Lonesome, He Did Die

Lonesome George, the last known Ecuadorian Pinta Island tortoise, has died at an age well in excess of 100 years. Found living a peaceful existence in the wild, the scientists who found him in 1971 decided to put an end to that and relocated him to the Charles Darwin Research Station on Santa Cruz Island in the Galapagos Islands. George proved to be either infertile, extremely particular, gay or repulsed by the hideous female turtles of closely related subspecies as more than 30 years of attempts to propagate the genetic line proved fruitless.

That Hit the Spot

After allowing 152 executions as governor of Texas, George W. Bush got to pull the plug for the first time as president, sending the First Pooch to the great kennel in the sky. Spot, a name reflecting all the wisdom, creativity and insight of the White House, was the offspring of former First Dog Millie, and had recently suffered a series of strokes. An unemployed Washington man was given $10 to dig a hole and dispose of the dog, the first new job created by the current administration since hiring a speech therapist to teach the president that its pronounced nu-cle-ar, not nuc-ul-ar. Maybe that's why we can't find them.

Keiko the Bucket

Or
Fin-ished
In the tale of yet another child actor who couldn’t handle life after the spotlight had faded, Free Willy star Keiko died after contracting pneumonia at the age of 27. His rapid rise to fame and fall from grace is a whale of a tale. Taken from his native Iceland to a shabby Mexican water park, Keiko was found and starred in three Free Willy movies. International blubbering led to his return to Iceland, where after a time in captivity, orca-nizers released him into the wild. But how you gonna keep him down on the farm after he’s seen Paree? Keiko made a B-line for Norway and human contact, and he continued to bask in his fame, as tourists and locals fed him and lured him inland. Scientists believe this abandonment of his natural lifestyle may have lowered his immune system, and ultimately led to his flushing.

Sea Monkeys in the Missed

or
Sea Monkey See, Sea Monkey Die
Harold von Braunhut, a carnival barker on the back pages of comic books for decades, best known for creating the demand for Sea Monkeys, died in November. Apparently, he was found unconscious and then drowned when he was submerged in water in an attempt to revive him. Much like Sea Monkeys, he floated on the top of the tank for a month before anyone noticed. The Dian Fossey of brine shrimp was 77, which is approximately 28,105 times the life span of any Sea Monkeys I ever had. The holder of 195 patents, Braunhut's other creations included X-Ray Specs, Hair-Raising Monsters, Crazy Crabs, and the Invisible Goldfish, which came with care instructions and the guarantee that you would never see them, as he played on the stupidity of America's youth with a verve that P.T. Barnum would admire. However his legacy will always be convincing children that dehydrated fish food could develop a caste system that culminated in a royal family.

Snowflake falling on Cedar Chips

Sorrow gripped Barcelona, as Copito de Nieve (Spanish for snowflake), the world's only known albino gorilla, was euthanized at the city zoo. He had been at the zoo for 37 years, and was believed to be between 38 and 40 years old. Long a symbol of the city and a popular zoo resident, locals went bananas when it was first reported that Snowflake was dying and flocked to the zoo in record numbers. Throughout his life, he had been a baboon to the tourist income for the city and the zoo as mandrill and woman, boy and gorilla alike warmed at the sight of this extremely rare ape. During his life, Snowflake fathered 22 offspring by 3 female gorillas, which would rank have ranked him third among active NBA players.

But enough monkeying around. With the holiday, this will likely be the final reminder that lists are due by 11:59 p.m. this Sunday. (6 days, 11 hours and 10 minutes to go.) Lists already submitted can be altered up to that point, and if there is late word that Carrot Top has a bad head cold and you need to make a change, you can also call me. If anyone on your 2004 list dies over the weekend, you will receive an extension.

A good holiday to all. I'll see Pool patrons on the other side with the crown for the 2003 champion and complete lists for 2004. If you've enjoyed the obits and pieces but still harbor hopes of avoiding the hellfire, let me know and I can keep you on the mailing list.

A horse is a corpse, of course, of course

As the obits page continues to be a little lean and we continue to aimlessly jockey for position on the leaderboard, I tracked down an interesting tidbit. Spectacular Bid, contender for the 1978 Triple Crown, died of a heart attack at the age of 27 at his farm in upstate New York. Further study revealed that after stunning victories at the Kentucky Derby and Preakness, a safety pin became lodged in his hoof at the Belmont and the injured horse lost his bid for horsetory. After his career, he became a manestay on the stud circuit, earning $4,000 a pop, and producing 49 stakes winners. I know, enough horsing around with this stuff.

Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-ad news

Another name that no one had, but I thought was worth mention: Dolly the cloned sheep was put to death today. In lieu of flowers, mourners are encouraged to send mint jelly. Woold you believe its been 6 years since the cloning of this marvelous mutton created a wave of shear panic in the scientific community? Before I get lamb-basted for the punishment, I'll chop this missive short and corral my poisoned pen. Farm be it from me to ramble on needlessly. Good-bye Dolly.