Immobile and Indifferent

Or

2 Fast, Anyway

Or

Dead and Furious 

(Props to Nathan)

Paul Walker, pretty boy actor in a bunch of really crappy movies that you shouldn’t waste time or money seeing, died in a fiery car crash at the age of 40. Or was murdered, if Tila Tequila is a credible source. He was the quarterback with bad knees and hot whipped cream-covered girlfriend in Varsity Blues, the guy with the stranded sled dogs in Eight Below, and a undercover cop/FBI agent in some of the Fast and the Furious movies.

Pitch Out

Nilton Santos, whose attempts to make the 1954 World Cup interesting by inciting a brawl were met with an ejection and a return to watching grass grow, has died of complications from a lung infection at the age of 88. The attack-minded defender was selected for the 1950 World Cup squad, but never played, which helped him survive the purge while the national team was rebuilt for the next go-round. In 1954’s “Battle of Berne,” a match with Bulgaria turned into an ugly, foul-filled (read: finally worth watching) match, which exploded with Santos’ two-footed assault on Hungarian playmaker Joszef Bozsik, who responded by punching Santos. Both were ejected, but the police had to be summoned when Santos refused to leave. Another player was later ejected, and Hungary won the riot 4-2. Santos returned to captain Brazil’s first World Cup in 1958, and at the age of 37 defended it in 1962. His voluminous understanding of the game – he was known as the Encyclopedia of Football – leadership and still formidable skill proved invaluable as star Pele had been injured in the second game of the tournament. In 1998, FIFA named him to its XI of the Century squad. By the end of his career, he had appeared in 34 state, national and international finals and won them all. 

Look for the Union Grave

Michael Weiner, the only graduate of Williams College, aka The College of Middle Earth, aka Zork State, to be any good at baseball, has died of a brain tumor at the age of 51, thus sparing himself the agony of having to stand by Alex Rodriguez in his circus. Weiner brought a rare semblance of common sense to his role as executive director of the Major League Baseball Players Association, a role formerly held by irrational, pompous douchebag Donald Fehr. Whereas Fehr and moron commissioner Bud Selig sat idly by while baseball tried to steroid and PED itself to death, and then Fehr ignored the wishes of the vast majority of baseball players and dug in his heels to counter efforts to expand drug testing, Weiner reached agreements to try and catch and punish the miserable cheats ruining the greatest game. Baseball’s drug testing policy is now the most comprehensive in sports. He was also able to negotiate a 5-year labor contract without a lockout or strike, which previously had been as crucial to the process as ink and paper.

Ask Not for Who the Nobels Toll

Or

Nobels Oblige 

Frederick Sanger, who won twice as many Nobel Prizes as those morons Albert Einstein, James Watson and Alexander Fleming, has died at the age of 95. He won the 1958 Nobel Prize in chemistry for showing how amino acids link together to form insulin, which gave scientists the tools to analyze any protein in the body, including some punk named Francis Crick. He then coasted for more than 20 years before tying the career record for Nobel Prizes with a second award in chemistry in 1980 for inventing a method of understanding the molecular letters that make up the genetic code. The Sanger Method allowed him to read hundreds of letters of DNA at a time, a discovery that provided the basic tool kit for decoding the entire human genome and allowed pharmaceutical companies to develop expensive, dangerous drugs. He is the 4th scientist to win 2 Nobel Prizes, and the only one to win 2 in chemistry. 

Commitment to Permanent Wave

In what passes for good news for the NFL these days, a somewhat recently retired star has died of something other than a concussion, suicide, or hazing, as former Oakland Raider Todd Christensen has died of complications of liver surgery at the age of 57. In one of the odder pairings in NFL history, the teetotaling, goodie-two shoes Mormon ended up with league’s biggest renegade teams, to the benefit of both. The well-coiffed tight end made 5 straight All Pro Teams and won 2 Super Bowl rings with the Raiders, twice setting records for receptions in a season by a tight end. Unlike many of his Raiders teammates, who could rely on drinking and drugs to wreck their livers, Christensen’s troubles stemmed from a botched gall bladder operation.

Ace in the Hole

Ace Parker, who played football in the days of leather helmets and two-way players on the gridiron for 60 minutes at a stretch and never whined about concussions – at least that he remembered – has died at the age of 101. After a career at Duke University that would earn him a spot in the College Football Hall of Fame, back when Duke won more than 3 games a year, Parker embarked on a path to Canton. Until recently the oldest living member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Parker was one of the last tailback stars in the single wing, the predecessor to the T formation, which relied heavily on the run. Befitting the era, he also passed, received, punted, place-kicked, blocked and played defensive back, starring for the NFL’s Brooklyn Dodgers  when franchise naming was still too complex to have more than one team name per city. He was the NFL MVP in 1940, despite wearing a 10-pound brace on his injured ankle for part of the season. After World War II, Parker played a season with the Boston Yanks, then the New York Yankees of the All-American Football Conference. Before settling for a lesser sport, Parker signed with the Philadelphia Athletics out of college, and played under the legendary Connie Mack. He hit a pinch-hit homer in his first major league plate appearance in 1937, but for his career hit just .179 in 94 games. He was one of two players still alive who had shared the field with Lou Gehrig, leaving Bobby Doerr as the last living larrupee.