Night, Mother

Mother Angelica, who brought the world the ecclesiastical ramblings of a frumpy old biddy sitting in what looked like a hospital chapel, has died of complications of a stroke at the age of 92. The Franciscan nun started making appearances on a Chicago station in 1977, then quit the station when it refused to censor a movie she found objectionable. Turning the other cheek, she took $200, built a studio in her monastery’s garage and founded the Eternal Word Television Network, the largest Roman Catholic television network in the country, where she bitched constantly about liberalizing trends in the Catholic Church like a holier-than-thou Andy Rooney. Time dubbed her the most influential Roman Catholic woman in America, which by church standards still put her behind an altar boy from Topeka, Kansas. By the time she found out that she had backed the wrong horse in 2001 when God had had enough and silenced her through a series of strokes that also made her look like a pirate, her low-rent half hour of nonsense “Mother Angelica Live” was the anchor of a 24-hour Catholic programming network reaching more than 100 million homes in the United States, South America, Africa and Europe.

Ill-iad

Johan Cruyff, one of the best players of the one of the most tedious sports on earth, has died of cancer at the age of 68. The Dutch star won the Ballon d’Or, the stupid name FIFA came up with for their player of the year award, in 1971, 1973 and 1974, taking the Netherlands from obscurity to the final of the 1974 World Cup, where he received the Golden Ball as player of the tournament. With his club team Ajax, he won eight Eredivisie titles, three European Cups and one Intercontinental Cup, then he got sold to FC Barcelona, where he won La Liga and was named European Footballer of the Year in his first season. With the United States trying to con Americans into thinking soccer was worth watching, the North American Soccer League (NASL)’s Los Angeles Aztecs signed Cruyff. He won Player of the Year in his one season in LA, then spent a season with the Washington Diplomats. In 1999, Cruyff was voted European Player of the Century and was second behind Pelé in World Player of the Century polling by the International Federation of Football History & Statistics. He became a coach and advisor for Ajax and the Spanish national team, and was credited for spurring their successes in the 1990s and early aughts. 

This is the End of Garry’s Show

Garry Shandling, best remembered for defending the Avenger-riddled world of Marvel Comics films as Senator Stern, has died of a heart attack at the age of 66. Shandling wrote scripts for Sanford & Son and Welcome Back, Kotter before trying to find something more creatively fulfilling. Unable to find a good needlepoint class, he opted for stand-up comedy, updating Woody Allen’s angsty, whiny, neurotic Jew schtick for an ‘80s audience. He charted the traditional path to stand-up success from clubs to guest on The Tonight Show to guest host on The Tonight Show, and was one of several candidates as a permanent replacement for Johnny Carson. Shandling gave up waiting on Johnny’s retirement and opted for the deconstructed, fourth wall-breaking Showtime sitcom It’s Gary Shandling’s Show, then broke new ground with the behind-the-late night show scenes of The Larry Sanders Show. 

Catcher in the Lie

Joe Garagiola, the guy you wished would shut up so you could hear more from Vin Scully, has died at the age of 90. Garagiola spent 9 seasons in the National League in the 1940s and ‘50s, playing for 4 teams when there were only 8 in the league. He was aware of his status as a major league fringe player, noting that he lived across the street from his best friend, Hall of Famer Yogi Berra, so “Not only wasn’t I the best catcher in the major leagues, I wasn’t even the best catcher on my block.” The highlight of his career came when as a rookie he outhit Ted Williams in the 1946 World Series. After he retired, he lent his name to a collection of anecdotes called Baseball is a Funny Game, to which he contributed about as much as he did to this obituary, thus earning him the reputation of a folksy storyteller, which led to jobs as game show host, baseball and wrestling broadcaster, Today Show panelist, partner in a series of poorly received TV ads with President Gerald Ford, guest host of The Tonight Show – where he had the only interview with active members of the Beatles – and of course, MC of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show for nearly a decade. He also betrayed the brotherhood, supporting the reserve clause that essentially bound major league baseball players in indentured servitude during Curt Flood’s lawsuit against Major League Baseball, a decision he later regretted. Garagiola’s most enduring contributions to baseball were as founder of the Baseball Assistance Team, an organization that raised money to support players from the days when players actually needed second jobs in the offseason to make ends meet because back-up shortstops weren’t making $4.5 million a year and his outspoken advocacy against the use of chewing tobacco. For these contributions, he was awarded the Buck O'Neil Lifetime Achievement Award, presented once every three years by the Baseball Hall of Fame for positive contributions to Major League Baseball. 

Who Knows What Coronary Disease Lurks in the Hearts of Men...

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White Shadow Falls

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Jefferson Did not Live

(Props to Phil)

Ken Howard, best remembered as being thisclose to being Supreme Court Justice Peyton Cabot Harrison III on The West Wing, has died at the age of 71. An accomplished Broadway star, Reeves appeared in Promises, Promises with Jerry Orbach, played Thomas Jefferson in 1776 – a role he reprised in the movie, and won the 1970 Tony Award for Best Supporting or Featured Actor for Child's Play, a dramatic departure from the original text about a killer doll. Looking like a stuffy old white guy even in his 30s also led to other presidential parts on stage including the musical 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, the role of Warren G. Harding in Camping with Henry and Tom and Tip O’Neill in the one-man show According to Tip. He parlayed this into the role of Ken Reeves, a former Chicago Bull in the days when there were white players in the NBA, who takes over as head basketball coach in South Central LA’s Carver High School in The White Shadow, a show ahead of its time in its primarily minority cast, discussion of drug use, STDs, sexual orientation, prostitution, gambling and inner city violence, and frequent failure to come up with pat solutions after 42 minutes. Somehow all of that didn’t strike a chord with viewers and the show lasted only 3 seasons, but it set the stage for realistic dramas like Hill Street Blues and St. Elsewhere. Other roles included Jill Hennessey’s ex-cop dad on Crossing Jordan, his Emmy-winning turn as Little Edie's father on Grey Gardens, cuckolded QB Dave Walecki on the MST3Ked TV-movie Superdome, Michael Scott’s possibly decapitated predecessor Ed Truck on The Office, and Kabletown CEO Hank Hooper on 30 Rock.

Not All He Was Cracked up to Be

Rob Ford, whose political career was one crash through a coffee table away from being a Chris Farley biopic, has died of cancer at the age of 46. In a related story, Canada announced it had won its war on drugs. Canada’s Marion Barry served 3 terms as city councilor, during which time he fought with colleagues and the press, maligned people with AIDS and cyclists – but praised hard-working “Orientals” – and was rewarded by being elected mayor of Toronto in 2010. One of his campaign themes was that "Toronto's government has grown bloated and wasteful," taking advantage of Canadian’s inborn decency to not point out the irony. After a number of public intoxication incidents and several incidents of spousal abuse he truly tested the limits of that decency by dragging the country through a scandal centered on his desire to drink, smoke or shoot whatever he could get his meaty paws on. After first denying all allegations, he eventually admitted to public drunkenness, drinking and driving and illegal drug use, though he explained away his smoking crack by postulating that it probably occurred during one of his drunken stupors. Protip – if you have so many drunken stupors that you lose count, and use one of those drunken stupors as an excuse for smoking crack, you may have a problem. Under the bizarre laws of America’s hat, Toronto’s City Council could not remove Ford from office, but was able to strip away most of his mayoral authority. He at first planned to run for re-election, but the discovery of an abdominal tumor led him to scale back to trying to reclaim his City Council office, with his ever-polite Canadian constituency obligingly re-electing him.

Just Say No Pulse

(An epitaphany shared by Don and Patrick)

 

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Just Say No to Living

(Shawn, varying on the theme)

 

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Mommy Deadest

Unable to bear another day of the Republican primary season, astrology-loving clotheshorse and 40 1/2th President of the United States Nancy Reagan has died of congestive heart failure at the age of 94. Taking the name Nancy Davis for her stepfather, she had embarked on a career in Hollywood, where she appeared in supporting roles in 11 films and developed a reputation for giving the best blow jobs in town. After being confused with another Nancy Davis who had the temerity to challenge the black list, Davis sought help from Reagan, then president of the Screen Actors Guild, and she was immediately smitten. As Ronnie switched from a dead-end film career to politics, Nancy was ever at his side. She was heavily involved in hiring and firing the staff on Ronnie’s attempt to secure the Republican nomination in 1976 and his somewhat more successful run in 1980. She helped orchestrate the dismissal of Chief of Staff Donald Regan for letting Ronnie get caught selling arms to Iran. Mommy then convinced Ronnie to apologize to the country, which reversed his rapidly falling approval rating. She drew praise as First Lady for turning the White House into the embodiment of the extravagant excess and conspicuous consumption of the 1980s, with lavish receptions, new furnishings and china, and glamourous ball gowns. Other influences over the White House included advising on favorable and unfavorable days for the president’s schedule based on the astrological readings of Joan Quigley, who claimed to have predicted that March 30 would be a bad day for Ronnie; it turned out to be the date of John Hinckley’s love note to Jodie Foster. One of her major causes as First Lady was her much-publicized campaign against drug and alcohol abuse, which assumed that it had never occurred to America’s youth to say no to drug dealers, widely regarded as rational actors when it comes to such things. Nancy had no problem just saying no to old Hollywood pal Rock Hudson when he reached out for assistance in getting transferred to a French military hospital as he lay dying of AIDS. But she apparently never said no to long-time boning partner Frank Sinatra. 

The Earth Shall Inherit the Feek

(Mad props to Don)

 

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One Feek Under

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The Death of a Songbird

Joey Feek, who helped sell lots of copies of People and Us Weekly, has died of cervical cancer at the age of 41. Best known for an Overstock.com where she and her husband / duet partner Rory forget each other’s hair color, Feek came to prominence by finishing in third place on the CMT competition show Can You Duet. Coming off that “success”, the Feeks secured a recording contract that yielded their debut album The Life of a Song, which included the top 40 hit “Cheater, Cheater,” which suggests either irony or supreme confidence. Two years later, they won the Academy of Country Music Award for top new vocal duo and top new artist, the definition of new being relative in the world of country music. As befits the country world, they released a Christmas album, a gospel album, and a Cracker Barrel exclusive album. None of the duo’s other songs ever came close to the top 40 until their 2012 song “When I’m Gone” got considerable airplay for obvious reasons in 2015 and hit #21. The country audience was sympathetic, not deaf. Feek’s illness was a boon to her career – for a while anyway – as her Hymns That Are Important to Us was released 4 months after her terminal cancer diagnosis and was their best charting hit.